it seemed to go well... i felt like i was going to pass out in the waiting room a few times but i didnt...
the lawyer said my testimony was good..
the vocational guy said i could work as a packager or a clothes sorter but then the lawyer asked a question about missing days every month if i could hold the job down and he said no.. so i guess it concluded that there wasn't a job that i could do..?

the judge was ok...

i dont really remember too much about what happened or what was said... im still in a dream trance... i just hope that i said the right things because my mind tries so hard to appear normal and when i cant remember what i said it makes me scared that i might relay things in a manner that would suggest that im not sick...

i hate being so disconnected from the world... i remember telling the judge about why i stopped seeing the last pdoc (he wrote about marijuana dependence and that i was non-compliant) but the only reason i was non compliant was because the jerk kept telling me i was bipolar and not listening to my concerns... so the lawyer said it looks like i fired the whole clinic and went to a psychologist for second opinion and now just trying to find a pdoc i can get treatment from... but the few that might accept the insurance i have either wont allow me to use the clinic because of residency issue or that its too long of a drive... and i cant afford that... cant afford anything really...

i wish i could remember what happened in the room... i just remember saying a few words and alot of the stuff they were saying sounded like a different language to me...
was not able to pay attention very well... or take in much information to process my words/actions properly... i just kept looking at the table and the floor.. the ceiling and back to the judge and down to the table blablabla...

if they deny me again i dunno what to do
i can't live like this for much longer... i dont even feel alive...
this is just a bad dream... and i have no control over it...
i want to be real... i want to have a life and get better so i can function at my potential... but im stuck in some other world... in hell i guess...

stupid brain...