Quote:
Originally Posted by Wanderlust90
I chose it because the character Lisa Rowe is a good representation of a part of my personality, a side of me that only comes out at certain times. I'm not sure that's a good explanation. It's like a wave that comes over me at times, when I feel powerful. Magnetic, cold, wild, reckless, impulsive and violent (thoughts). That & I love Angelina Jolie.
I would agree that I'm so often in this conflicted state it's like I'm perpetually mixed. Always kind of agitated & dysphoric at a baseline.
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I'd say that
could very well describe borderline traits (only just sometimes distancing oneself from emotions, self-sabotage for example, by "pushing someone's buttons" because you will get emotionally hurt by inflicting pain, and generally sometimes losing control without
really (mania-like) losing control). She has more a borderline personality than the main character (she is far too timid and generally stable).
I hurt people (most) when stable (that problems with "boredom"). I think we talk about more or less the same thing (not sure of course).
Meds and therapy, maybe it works. Just try them all!
Edit:
Of course the big difference with Lisa is that there is no emotional blow after (maybe just mildly) expressing those tendencies, since she always is distanced from her feelings (mostly), but the tendencies and even the reasons are quite similar.
Being overwhelmed by "boredom", sabotaging that, is more giving reason to ambivalence (was also talked about in the film: the true meaning) and other problems.
Not to sound as a psychopath/APD: I also curb say 99% of my tendencies and I certainly don't have them all the time (more an impulsive wave (indeed) like short mania, but at the moment more controlled and rational, feels very deliberate and the blow is rather immediate). Just a personality to match your BP. Maybe you have it. Sublimation should do it: find the subconscious reasons (sabotage to explain emotions, feelings) and find other ways to deal with that need to "feel". Some (fixed time of total) freedom of expression, feeling free, might help.
Have you tried boxing (you said you might)?
Another edit:
When I was about 6 I curbed 50% or less for a few years, having developed that/a personality. I am sure it kickstarted the long, severe depression that followed and the mania after that.
It's a nice mix of some SZ (the disorganised and emotionally distanced bits) and some BP (to not really become SZ: a way of expression, quite reactive, which is healthy in itself). I see it as more pure psychotically disordered: be proud!
Again, if you have some of that.
It used to be called borderline schizophrenic and has really some bits of that but you (might have: if you have it) moved away to BP, which is commendable!
If you know of anything that's helpful, let me know (I don't do therapy: am not good at following my own advice, call it setting myself up for disaster, self-sabotage really).