please don't hurt me
i'm not going to hurt you - you can trust me
messages exuded by our bodies
the posture
the tone of voice
the eyes
the dance
the backwards and forwards
the ups and downs
the irrelevance of content
the round and round.

it is a dynamic that isn't enacted outside therapy.
it isn't
It Isn't
'cept of course it is
it is just more subtle.
Therapy holds it under a magnifying lens
where his gaze has the potential to burn
the shame
the wanting to fall through the floor
the longing for disembodiment
the desire for invisibility
you can't see me
(please)
you can't see me.

i splinter under his gaze sometimes
shards breaking off
i hold up the most reasonable shard
understanding.
comprehension.
sympathy.
concern.
and he tries to track the feeling
but it dances away
does it hurt him sometimes?
the way the light catches it?
just a spark and then its gone.
he seeks it
searches
i hide it carefully
show him little bits sometimes
flashes
important not to get lost in it.
important not to get lost
and there we disagree
but i think...
i think...
it is important to keep the reasonableness
to narrate around the flashes in a way such that i can live with myself.
in a way such that i can live with other people.
in a way such that i can live in this world.
everybody has got a story to tell
and so many filled with pain and despair
and the inadvertant induction of that in others.
it is important to keep the reasonableness
such that one can live with oneself.

and round and round we go.
it is amazing to me that in all this
he is still here
why hasn't he given up already?
why hasn't he been repulsed already?
maybe he didn't see after all.
maybe he didn't notice.
the black lines
the despair
the shame that is consuming
why in the world would he want to feel that?
because he can.
because he did.
i don't understand.