I know I... really don't post here much, please forgive me, its just... I don't know, I feel silly, like there's tons of people who have it worse than I do and I find it pathetic when I come here hurt... but there's sometimes...

So forgive me if there are probably not as bad as they could be...

Its just... I don't understand... how can people live life? Life is but a gift of pain and happiness, a short gift compared to the eternity we hold now. But somehow there's this feelign of dread... past this life... I don't wnat to remember in heaven, I don't wnat to live again, I can't watch people toil in Limbo... I... want my soul destroyed when I die... the few people I tell that to think I'm insane... but I never want to remember my dreams, my memories, the pain... ever...

But tonight... I don't know, there's really been a lot that happened in my life... I can't sort out what was my fault from what was theirs... and it haunts me everyday... I can't escape it. I can't live and I don't want to die.

So much pain echoes and it all seems so silly... long days and lonely summers, no one to talk to but myself, and the people I trusted often betrayed me... and now the ones I know wont think I cling to them too much...

so much pain t doesn't seem like any of it matters to what happens in the world out there, and no one knows...

I'm again sorry, but no, this isn't a suicide note... its a... release... its a call for help to a world that no one seems to hearme in... not even my good friends...

I want help, but I'm too scared to turn to anyone, too scared to look for it myself...

I don't understand how people can live... but I never want to die.