Lonelines sucks, that is for sure. He did arrive on friday and he took the flight back today. He was nice and he didnt harm me, he didnt attack me or anything. He spent hours deleting BS from my FB, deleting 300 people, as people/men had bombarded me with friend requests and also some shi*ty messages. He spent also time on my computer/phone to block my ex husband from contacting me, deleting accounts and so on. And creating new account for me. My ex husband who used me for a green card, this man saying its unhealthy for me to have contact. He knew I had problems going no contact with my xhusband and I dont feel very well about him blocking my xhusband. I know contact with my ex husband is unhealthy for me but I feel still I need to contact him and say what happened. I told my x husband a week ago and I also told him on thursday that I will get visit from this man. My x husband sounded annoyed on email on friday why I didnt answer him, using exclamation signs like he was in rage, then he called 14 times on saturday, he also called my phone and this man took the phone and told my xhusband he had wrong number and so and so. It was pretty uncomfortable for me because my xhusband new it was this man. Now I dont know now what to do. My x husband then started contacting my friend downstairs, desperate to get in touch with me. I am scared creating new accounts to say sorry to my xhusband, I am scared since this man helped me and I am somehow scared this man will see I contact my x husband again. I wanted to cut the contact with my x husband slowly and over time and not abrupt like this man did. I know this man is right, that contact is unhealthy for me as it has been going on for 5 years. But now I feel lost somehow.

This man, we can call him N. N was nice here, he seem to be kind. I am also a bit sceptical as I got to hear his life stories. Not sure if I should take a few things he said, concerning me and him, as red flags or not. Anyway, I am fine and the visit actually made me good. However how strange that may be or sound.

I found out more about my feelings for him. It might have been he contacted me and I felt so happy about talking to him and seeing him again. I still am happy to have seen him. But I am feeling a bit numb concerning my feelings about it all. I think that the high feeling I got when he wanted see me again and I him, that now that feeling have slow down and that is why I feel a bit numb.

I wanted see him because I wanted to feel and go back in time when I was spending time with him. I wanted to feel that again. You can say I have missed him somehow, but not sure if its because of the abandonment from my father and being cut off from N or if my feelings are something else.