Temporary relief from seeing Barry Manilow in concert and feeling the love, and now I want to cry again. Things have improved, I was struggling to get into work and generally struggling more than usual. Have new anti-depressants ever made anyone feel 10x worse? Now I have ritalin thrown into the mix, and whether it's that or the ADs finally having an effect I don't know, but I can get into work again, and feel interested in what I'm doing.

I feel like there ought to be a good reason for feeling this messed up. I'm from a non-abusive but dysfunctional family. I don't think the genes or characteristics of my parents that I inherited were a good mix, and my family wasn't a comfortable place to be. But even when I wouldn't class myself as depressed, I feel pain and wonder where the hell it's coming from. I don't feel like I have a satisfactory explanation even after a number of years of therapy. Maybe I never will. Maybe it is my brain chemicals. I'm quite interested in getting in touch with my inner child and seeing what she felt like. I've only ever intellectually considered my childhood and how it affects me now. I guess inner child work is not just for CSA survivors.

I dunno. I have felt better than I do now. Turning 40 hasn't helped anything. I wanted a husband and kids. Now I can't see much point in anything. I worked out that I've got another 20 years until I can kill myself to have the least impact on my family's lives , but I suspect I can't do it to myself ever anyway. It pisses me off that my life has so much more meaning to my parents than it does to me, my family is all split apart now, and I don't think they'd cope with me leaving. It's a conundrum with friends as well. You can't tell them you want to die because then they have to do something, but then I think they'll feel bad if you haven't talked to them. I guess that goes in the note. My closest friend asked if she should worry about me - what can you say except No (and thank you for asking).

I can't kill myself but at the same time, I'm sort of preparing for the possibility. Like letting my parents know I get depressed because then it would be easier on them if I ever managed it. My dad and step-mum are coming for the weekend. I half feel like breaking down on them, my step-mother knows how to deal with it, though I'm not a real breaking down person, and I don't want to worry them too much!

Anyway, thanks for listening. There's not many places you can talk about stuff like this.