I have suicidal thoughts that are more than fleeting. They are persistent and nagging. I have thoughts that overwhelm me so much that I feel certain I will react to them. And then, one of my babies will climb into my lap to snuggle and will tell me how much they love me. This causes such tremendous guilt because I have entertained such powerful suicidal ideations. But, despite the guilt, my love for them and their love for me brings great joy. I feel certain no matter how miserable I am I must live for them.