So basically, it took a meeting to get myself a job set up (and writing about it) that made me realize that I monitor my words way too much, whether I'm typing or talking, like I'm afraid that both (a) the person I'm talking to will get offended, and (b) someone will pretty much come out of nowhere and hurt me (I know that sounds irrational, but that's how I can describe it). I...know that isn't healthy to think, but it does occasionally feel like there's some invisible presence judging me even while I'm just talking with somebody offline. And then there's the whole fear of being a bad person, which is kind of a recurring theme in a lot of my worries.



And then there are just times when I kind of worry about my problems being insignificant compared to others', things like that. It actually kept me from talking about something with my therapist for at least three years because I thought the whole thing was insignificant and it was my fault. So I guess that's an additional factor to monitoring my words -- I feel like I don't really have much significant to say. Or I don't know what I'm talking about.

I think there's a whole load of contributing factors -- my mom kind of monitoring me to make sure I don't make a mistake, old teachers, former friends -- but I guess the key issue is: how do I make my paranoia go away? And how do I deal with...everything else I mentioned here?