I don't know where to put this so I apologize in advance. I am angry, so angry it is painful. I should be telling this to my T but I just can't put it into cohesive thoughts. I get so angry because of the memories becoming apparent and the rage I feel for being unloved and insignificant are forcing me to act out in unhealthy ways. I don't feel like I matter/ed .I let people use me, harm me, physically, mentally, and sexually because I feel I need to be punished and I crave being wanted/loved. When I was a child showing my emotions led to punishment. As an adult when my emotions are out of control I want to numb them. I have used booze, food, and pills which have help in the past but I am ashamed to say there is a new way I want to be numb/ punished. I let it happen and then after I feel so sad and disgusting that I would degrade myself for some attention or control. I know in my heart I am loved but my head won't allow me to accept or believe it. I feel empty and scared most of the time and this shames me also. I don't know why I am writing this. Does anyone understand this? Can any one relate? How do I stop the thoughts. I have no problem being loving or affectionate, but I don't get it in return unless I am useful.