Work is insane, and my daughter has been sick, + we just got a friggin puppy. So my schedule is insane, I'm not getting anything done, and I stay up late trying to get caught up and don't sleep. I am a performer and an artist and a curator and work in night life a lot, and there is lots of partying and drinking and drugs (I don't really do hard drugs), but it's a weird vibe. I'm working on a variety of projects and it's insane, and everything feels crazy, and I feel like I don't know what is going on, like I can't tell how anything is going. I can't tell if I am a total loser, or like a brilliant genius, pinnacle of cool etc, like I cold be anywhere on that continuum, or something that is not even part of that. I just feel totally confused, like I am living from one minute to the next. I fly into rages, I have impulsively ended relationships, I'm arrogant and egotistical and then embarrassed and back pedaling. I am a ****ing mess! I feel like people are scared of me.

Not depressed yet but it is coming.

I don't take meds, I used to try to control things with diet, not drinking, exercise mediation, but now it's like I've given up. I just feel like I'll never feel safe, solid, sane. It's always gonna be manic highs, black and white manias, decline into depression, suicidal ideation and self hatred, and then boom! BACK!

I'm afraid and bored, tired of this.

Anything helps.

Haven't been on here in a while, how are y'all?
S