That sounds rough manic trance. Do you have a therapist to talk to? I find mine helps me get through the crazy highs and lows by giving me tools and support. I totally understand not wanting to be medicated and having to control things all the time. Unfortunately for me it all falls apart if I stop trying and let the illness take its course. What is causing you the most trouble right now? What can you do about it? Hope things turn for the better soon.