Well I'm back. I am not sure how I feel right now, whether I am still in "no T mode" or whether I have found a balance between the twice a week 50min sessions and the reality of the rest of my life? HHmm time will tell.

Told T how I felt very humbled during the break and vunrable and realise how "special" being in T made me feel compared to other people and I dont want to feel special, I'd prefer to live my life on bended knees so to speak.

T asked if being away from T didn't make me feel more special? I said certainly not.

I talked about how I want to make my own choices based on what I want and like and not on what I fantise T would choose.

I noticed a book on her shelves entitled "Oneness and separateness" and said I think that describes what I have just talked about.

Before the break I was living in a bubble of fantasy, I think part of me just wanted to be there whether I healed or not, this time I feel I want to be there for the real reason, but maybe this is part of emotional maturity? One has to learn to crawl before they can walk?

I feel/felt stronger in myself today, I was afraid I was going to melt back to the helpless little child again once in T, though for odd moments I felt that happening, I balanced that with talking more, talking about thoughts as they happened, instead of sitting in silence hoping T could magically read my mind and rescue me.