clairerobin

Thank you so, so much! What you did was far bigger than what I plan to do in that you have/had that enormous extended family - you are a tremendously strong person. Like you I cannot do or take this "pretend care" stuff anymore.

I have been hurt so many times by all my children and badly lied to by two of them (the two so-called Christians). My eldest daughter is the best of the bunch but that's just because she's better at doing the "duty" thing.

I do manage to do what you did but it takes me much longer to stop and say "enough is enough". Of my two younger brothers one was adopted out of the family at birth. I traced him eventually when he was 50 and he died 6 months later of alcoholism. My other brother and I were raised together but as adults we grew apart and he wanted nothing to do with me. I tried so hard to find out why he was like that and to reconcile. At one time my letters to him were coming back marked "unknown at this address" so I got a tracing agency to look for him. Does that sound pathetic? It is, but actually by then he was the only member of my original birth family left. Anyway, he was found and yes, you've guessed it, he still lived at the original address where I had written to.

After that we saw each other maybe 5 times and mainly just to talk about and let stuff out about Mum's suicide. After that I left it, but his partner kept in touch and told me he was diagnosed with cancer. When he was dying, she rang and asked if I wanted to go and see him. I said "Has he asked for me to go?" and she said "no", so I said "no" too. How bad would it be to turn up at your dying brother's bedside and be told to go away?

I am content with my decision though but it has taken me so many years to finally "see the light" and admit defeat. The hurt is especially deep because I actually feel rejected by my whole family. My father left us/me, my Mum killed herself, my first husband has admitted that he only married me out of sympathy because we were going out when she died, my second husband married me on the rebound and went back to the first woman after we split up. My brother didn't want to know me either, and now my children, so I have to think there's something really flawed about me and that I am unlovable. I know I really need to have some therapy to work on these issues because despite everything I think I'm a decent person with many good qualities (and so do other, just not my family).

At the moment I am fighting the desire to read old emails which were really, really hurtful and untrue, just so I can tell myself yet again I am doing the right thing and why. One of my daughters has always been a congenital liar and spreads evil and totally untrue stories about me. How do families get as toxic as yours and mine (and many others)?

I've also been thinking about the "next of kin" thing and I do have a younger friend who really helps me and calls me her adopted "auntie". I am thinking of asking her if she will officially be my next of kin but I'm scared that will make her liable for any funeral costs etc. If I go to make a will do you think I can just say "I have no next of kin" and that will be accepted? That is what I want to do, but in the meantime I might need someone to act in that role in certain circumstances.

The other thing that struck me about your post is that you say you have no anger - how can that be? I hope one day I can be in that place but right now I am full of anger which I know does me no good and achieves nothing, but I don't know how to let it go. I practice meditation which helps a bit but really I feel a need to talk to someone and at the moment I really don't have anyone who can play that role for me. The closest person to me is in fact a person in the US I had an email correspondence with for 8 years and finally met last year. I wish we were closer.

I have read some of your other posts and I just want to know what makes you so strong and "right". You are assertive, you know how to set (and keep) boundaries, you have a long and successful marriage and you are are just a "together" gal. How come with all that ***** you've had to put up with??