My T doesn't want me to ruminate about the session and asked me to "put it in the cabinet" in her office, but I just need to "get it out". Hopefully, that's not ruminating.

The way my T does therapy is to focus on the here and now, so when I said I wanted her to sit closer and hold my hand, she moved her chair closer, a little at a time, and asked how I was feeling. Often I'm nervous with her being close. It was fine, though I thought I was "present", but she commented that I wasn't because my eyes were kind of glazed! She was right. She knows better than I do if I'm there or not.

I was going to talk about other things, but started to tell her about what I read in the book, Attachment in Psychotherapy. She says my attachment style is preoccupied, and agrees I'm not really borderline, but more histrionic (not sure if that's right word). There are two kinds of preoccupied attachment. Then I mentioned T thinking I was abused but I don't agree.

I had other issues to talk about but we got on that instead. She said this was more important than my agenda, because I was reacting to her in the here and now. She says I have a "what's the big deal? attitude about my brother and his actions with me. That's correct. She thinks his spying on me in the bathroom even though I didn't know it, was abusive. I sort of agree, but his making me touch him was just annoying to me. She says it's abuse because he's 5 years older. T says I protect myself from feelings about it. She asked why I didn't tell my mother I don't know why not. I didn't confide in my mother about things that were bothering me. I kept them to myself.

I didn't ask my mother something else that was more triggering for me. T said one of my anatomy words and I panicked! This has nothing to do with abuse. I feel really stupid because I didn't ask my mother something that worried me for 8 years!!!

Anyway, T held my hand when I asked her to, and we talked about her loving me even when I'm bad, like when I drove past her house. She says she does love me. She knows I won't drive by her house again, because I'm respectful. I still feel I'm bad, for other things, but I know I'm not.

I felt depressed when I left, but as I was walking out, I said "Our relationship is fine! I think it's what we talked about that's making me sad!" My T thought that was a great insight! Sometimes it IS about her, but today was mostly about my unfinished stuff from the past.

I feel crummy, but good at the same time. I asked T how many times she read that book, since she does therapy like Wallen. She said she didn't have to read it many times; she knows it! That's how she works with me. I'm so glad she's my T. Have I said that before?