I don't know how to not think about my session. It brought up a lot of old feelings that are unresolved. I'm never good with sitting with the feelings. I want them resolved already. I want the past to have been different. I wish my T would not keep insisting it's abuse! I added the trigger since I want to write about it again.

Why do I keep defending my brother? I saw that T thinks he was abusive. She said, what if a grandchild would do that to a sibling? I said I'd be angry! I think it was wrong for him to do that to me but I don't call it abuse. When he teased me by locking the closet and throwing lit matches at the door, that I can call abusive. But not making me touch him. He said I didn't object, but I was about 5 and he was 10. Or maybe 6 and 11. The spying through a hole he made in the tile happened when I was 14 and he was 19 but I didn't find out about it until I was 21.

I didn't realize I have unfinished business about these incidents but I must, or I wouldn't feel so unsettled now.

The other situation was because I was afraid to ask my Mom something because I was embarrassed. I was starting to blush in the session. T asked if I know the difference between shame and embarrassment. I think embarrassment is about a situation but shame is pervasive. I didn't say that so T didn't answer either.

Maybe by tomorrow I won't have to think about all of this so much but "put it in the cabinet" doesn't seem to work for me. Instead, I have to analyze it, come to some peace, and then I can relax.