Okay so I A) rapid cycle and B) mostly get episodes with mixed features. either agitated depression, or dysphoric mania... It's terrible, it's like I am constantly living in hell. Last time I was on a high I was up for 5 days straight after several previous nights of getting only hours of sleep, I was suicidal and had depressive delusions (ie believing I was dead, in hell and, therefore can't die), also had some derealization going on. it was like nothing around me was real or actually happening, like life was like a movie and I was just a camera lens. I finally got some sleep when I heard a voice repeating the phrase "go to bed" over and over and over. This episode went on for about three and a half months.

that was about 14 months ago, now I'm severely depressed with racing thoughts and high levels of irritability, impulsivity, and self harm. And it feels like it just wont end.

Both of these episodes went on for months intersperse with a high day here or there where it was like I was maybe hypomanic... its weird..

Anyone else have an oddly meshed collection of symptoms like this? I feel like the more text book diagnosis would be preferable to this, because no matter what end I'm on its a terrible experience for me both during and after.