Hello. For many years I was unaware that I was not always the person out and living my life. There were a few times when someone told me I had said or done something I knew I hadnt and looking back now I see that might have been taken as a clue that something was going on with me, but I had also been misdiagnosed and given drugs during that time so my awareness and basic ability to even see straight were compromised.

When I went off the drugs I was taking I woke up a new person. One day I opened my eyes and saw everything around me through a different set of eyes. I had no memory of ever being there before and no past behind me. Then after that for years, the only times I was aware I was not in one peice were the times when I was completely dissociated and without a function/personality being there and working for me. When soemthing triggered a function to step out I started all over again living in that particular time and place-- and without any memory or awareness of being anyone else beofre that. My life was lived in disconnected peices of time by various perosnality functions-- which in the end of my therapy were all integrated into one strong identity.

Losing time, not being able to find my clothes, finding stuff that wasnt mine were hints that soemthing wasnt right with me and how I was living. It was in fact, years before I came face to face with the fact that different people knew me --as different people! I have to say it was a relief when I got a name for this --DID-- because for me it gave me a sense that it was real and could be fixed. This strangely enough gave me a greater sense of stability. There were reasons why I was the say I was. There was a method to my madness! My brain had provided me with a defense mechanism that was pretty incredible.

It was all the missing time that was the most significant thing. Years were missing. I had very few memories of childhood. I remembered the names of every teacher I ever had and even where I sat in their classes but nothing when it came to time spent at home or playing with my sister. Zip. It was all an empty slate when it came to life in my parent's house.

What I did know about and was aware of was that I had been sexually abused as a little kid and that no one ever protected or defended me. As a kid I felt abandoned and betrayed, helpless against victimization. But that seemed far off and separate from the rest of my life. IT was something I knew and took for fact but never really felt or worked through. And that abuse was only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Photographs also have ended up giving me a better overall view of how differently I appeared through the years. Hair color, even wigs. the say I dressed , even my age reflected the reality that I was not living life as one fixed self identifying self aware person.
I hope this helps you to understand.