Quote:
Originally Posted by clairerobin
You can't trade your happiness for theirs, that's martyrdom. I think you did the right thing by giving your opinion. Also, you need to protect your own piece of mind, unfortunately. It sounds to me like your parents are tired of each other, otherwise they would be able to make each other happy without having to have a third party around. They need to fix their own relationship rather than make you the solution to their loss of interest in each other.
I've been married for 30 years, my husband talks to his friends on email and the phone. I have a couple of friends I see occasionally. Mostly we keep each other company. We haven't lost interest in each other. We don't need a third party to keep us going. One of our kids lives in a different country (we moved away, they didn't). The other kid lives 2 miles away (they came with us). You can't live your life for someone else, it doesn't work.
Forgive them for their neediness, but don't let them make you feel guilty. Even if you have to do a daily routine like throwing a pebble into a lake or river, learn to let the guilt go...everyday. Yes they are going to die one day, perhaps even tomorrow. We are all going to die one day, even you. So get on with your life. Learn to speak to them whenever it suits you, without guilt. You've done nothing wrong.
Sending you photograph like that is extremely manipulative. I hope you know that.
Sometimes you just have to let go to move on.
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Your parents sound extremely co-dependent and immature. The reasons to NOT let them live there are piling up as you describe their behaviors more. Thing is, their reasons hinge entirely around being near you, nothing about their own best interests or well being, it seems to be only based on the fact that they act as though they "can't" live without you nearby. Its really dysfunctional and I have to emphasize that your living many states away, going forward, is the best thing for you, your soon-to-be husband and especially for future kids. I add that last part because what they are doing to you is going to be the same or worse for your kids. Of course your well being matters most but think about the kids you'll be trying to raise too, impressionable growing up, your parents, should be visit only grandparents.
I'm sorry I went off track there.
You're spot on when thinking about "what if" as it relates to if they were to move in. I fell into the trap of letting my once separated ex (wife) after 4 yrs away to move in as she said she had no options. I am here to tell you from experience THINGS DO HAPPEN to throw a wrench in plans and you should prepare for the worst rather than be overly optimistic in thinking plans will go as you all thought. She said it would be a few weeks... those weeks have turned into months, no one is happy and she still is seeking a better job, her own place, etc. You don't want that. And unfortunately much of the time things like these happen a lot.
Tell them firmly that you would love them to live nearby but that if they want to come, they have to find alternative shelter. Tell them as best you can, that this is the only way, and stand firm. As they pull the guilt trip on you, kindly and quickly hang up til next time. Eventually they will get the picture that you won't be manipulated any longer. This would take a lot of strength and courage and I won't claim it would be easy but I see it as the only way.