I'm not sure if any of this could be triggering or not, so I'm putting out a warning just in case. I just had one of the worst panic attacks last night, and I really need to write about it to get it out.

So, I live by myself in a 1st floor apartment. The walls and ceilings/floors are fairly well insulated. I don't often hear the neighbor next to me, unless he's being loud in the kitchen. I can hear the people upstairs moving around though, pretty typical floorboards creaking stuff. My boyfriend comes over every day, but only stays the night on weekends. During the week he goes to my place at some point during the afternoon, so he's there when I get off work, and then he leaves around 10ish.

Last night was pretty normal. My boyfriend was there when I got home, we hung out, one of our friends stopped by, nothing special. I was feeling pretty good last night, hadn't had much anxiety all day and wasn't feeling particularily depressed. My boyfriend left late, nearly at 10:30. It had been really quiet all night, and I checked when he left that the upstairs neighbors weren't even home yet. Pretty rare luck. Maybe 5 minutes after my boyfriend left, I was in the kitchen getting something to drink when I heard a noise. It sounded like keys or coins jingling together, and it sounded like it was coming from right outside my apartment door. My anxiety instantly started to rise. I have a very persistent worry about my apartment being broken into, especially when I'm home alone. I went to the front window and looked outside, I thought maybe my bf had forgotten something and was coming back. But his car was still gone, and there was nothing changed since he'd left. I looked through the peephole in the door and saw nothing. I even was able to get my courage up and opened the door to step out in the hall some (with my solid wooden cane in hand, of course!). Nothing. I couldn't even hear anything coming from the apartment across the hall, who were the only ones on our side home.

I tried going back to get ready for bed, but while getting my drink and prepping for work today I kept having to go back to the window and door to check. After the first check I texted my bf what I had heard, and until he texted me back my phone never left my hand. I was back and forth through the kitchen and living room maybe 5-6 times before I finished getting ready for today. I propped my cane up against the door, under the doorknob, which seems to pretty effectively bar the door from inside.

By the time I got in my room I was beginning to panic. I kept hearing noises, like tapping or knocking against the walls or windows, but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. The rational part of my mind kept suggesting that the sounds were maybe this, or this other thing, that would be totally normal and expected. But I was fully panicking by this point, and I was too scared to listen. I "knew" someone was trying to break in, or was already in my apartment. I even got up and checked the spare room that I keep closed 3-4 times. I sat on my bed panicking and texting my bf for almost 20 minutes before he could talk me into taking a shower. I was so afraid that someone would come in while I was showering and I wouldn't hear it. My bf also reminded me to take one of my pills (I'm on lorazepam for my anxiety). By the time I got out of the shower the pill had kicked in, and I was feeling better. I couldn't hear any strange noises anymore either, and I was exhausted from the panic.

I was just so terrified during the whole thing. Looking back, I can't believe it only lasted half an hour, if that. At one point while I was sitting on my bed I started rubbing my arm, trying to calm myself down, and at some point it turned into scratching. Thankfully I didn't really hurt myself, there are just a couple redish marks there today. I am a little afraid of being home alone tonight. My bf told me he would have come back over if I needed him to, but at that point in the night I don't want to do that to him. He works so early in the morning. Depending on how I feel by the end of work, I've considered asking him to stay tonight. I hate this anxiety.