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Originally Posted by Wandering Soul
I'm not familiar with music, but it sounds that you are doing very well to me, and you have confidence in what you're doing, especially when it comes to your specialization. Also, your revision of that jazz combo tells me that you care about your work.
About TA position, do you still have the opportunity to do any? I didn't do any TA during my PhD. Strangely, enough, I was talking to another PhD holder today, and he told me I need teaching experience to teach in a university!! So, I guess we are in the same boat. But if you aren't defending your dissertation soon (I assume there is a dissertation in music, right?), try to get a TA for one or two semesters, it's better than nothing, I guess.
Also, I don't think you have any issues talking to others. You said may be you're polite, but you aren't sure if you are patient, yet you answered all my questions politely. Another person would have stopped along time ago. The only thing I noticed is that you are interested in music, and probably interested consciously in making friends who play music as well. Why not to speak about the things you're confident in? You're different, and maybe that is the beauty of it. You can share your experiences. Do you think your choice about jazz is challenging for you as a female? I'm not sure how music works, but does it have to be either this genre or that you play or know all the time?
Also, has anything changed since you opened the thread (which has been running for a while now)? Making some actions are important.
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If only skill were the only thing that was needed, or even all that important. It really doesn't seem to matter if you're good or not. You can be very mediocre instead. It only matters if you have friends and connections and if you're sucking up to the right people. I believe I do the latter well, but I have a hard time always portraying the "correct" personality and it rarely ends well if I actually let someone get to know me. I'm fine as long as I'm not mad about something and there's so much BS going on around me that I'm angry pretty often. That and high stress (either me or my boyfriend seem to be nearing a breakdown pretty often) and I have zero patience and it takes a lot self-control not to start outright arguments sometimes.
I'm aggressive, either self-deprecating or arrogant, selfish, intimidating, a smart***, unempathetic (so I've been told)-especially when I'm angry. That's bad enough for a guy, but disaster if you're female. At least some of those traits are admirable in men. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate being female?
But on the other hand, I'm really easy to work with if I'm treated with respect and not screwed over. I'll even take a passive role in a group.
I don't really know if it's just grad school or my core personality anymore. I just feel like I don't have the respect of my peers like I have the respect of the band members I still play with on occasion.
As for TA's, apparently at the university I'm at, you either get one going in or not at all ever. I would estimate probably 85-90% of the doctoral students have one too, so it's humiliating not to have one. Not all the TA positions are classroom teaching though, but still, they get their tuition paid for and get a small stipend anyway. And they don't rotate the teaching duties so everyone can get the teaching experience they need/want. Faculty get little to no say in who their TA's are. If they did, I would have had one in my master's or would have one right now. At least now I have an unpaid fellowship where I will get mentored by faculty at a local university and I may be able to guest lecture. For whatever that's ultimately worth. Other people have been able to land adjunct positions at small universities without a TA, but there isn't any available slots for me to fill locally. Maybe I could cold call/e-mail the universities and ask (it'll feel like begging) if I can pretty please get some adjunct teaching experience. Oh well, unlike my boyfriend who's in the same boat experience wise, I could still live with myself if I'm not a professor once I graduate.
In case you're curious, in lieu of a traditional dissertation, I'm writing a symphony. Apparently there is an actual PhD in my program, but only certain schools have that available. I will have different, worthless and humiliating letters by my name. Essentially I went to the wrong school, but I didn't think I could get in anywhere else, so I didn't apply.
I'll have to think about what (if anything) has changed...I guess a couple days ago I was in a good mood and talked to people/said hi to people etc. But then the next day I'm too angry again.
And yes, it feels like you don't belong if you're female and you want to get involved at all in jazz. There are other women around here that are involved in jazz. There's one that my boyfriend is encouraging me to be closer friends with and I just can't put my finger on why it doesn't feel right. She does seem to like that I'm the more quiet/introspective type.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrimsonSigmaRick
Honestly, I used to feel this way. Maybe you feel that "relating" to other people means developing deep connections, and you're simply not feeling that natural 'click' with people. Relating to people and bonding with them are two completely different things, and I think that you may have misconstrued the two.  |
I think I have issues with both. I don't relate to some of the issues that other people commonly have. For example, I'll graduate without debt and up until this point in my life, I've never had to worry about money. I really doubt many people in grad school and who are musicians can relate. I've been an outcast, a difficult student. We were having a discussion in a college teaching class about difficult students and most had never even seen a difficult student and I admitted that I was one of those difficult students. I've always had whatever issues that I have. There's plenty of life experiences that I haven't had or that were different. I didn't start dating until my mid-20's, for example.
And no, I don't bond with most people. I was pretty sure I was entirely incapable of bonding with the people (because I didn't really even with my own parents), but apparently I am. Apparently I'm even capable of showing empathy to people who actually validate my existence as a human being and actually recognize that my emotions are real and not inherently wrong.