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I am not living without a purpose. I won't just go on. Compensate for lack of focus, carelessness and exhaustion. That's basically depression. But more controlled must be better. BP can be useful by careful analysis and planning. It must be.
I think I just need to find more chaos by other means. And periods of more controlled exposure, basically experimenting, not just sabotaging.
But thanks to all that gave encouragement/hugs: I could use it.
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Mania kills cells. Brain cells die. Memories become more reduced conceptually, making more efficient use of limited means. Memories shape our reality. Our memories are more or less split in two by abstractions, conceptual reductions. Mood states with memories, concepts, attached. Memories of pain and those of joy. It causes instability, changeability. Fearing that will leave an emptiness between pain and joy and a greater divide.
See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me, Heal Me.
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