These feelings of suicide are taking control. Its like it suddenly washed over and I feel like I am drowning. The sadness, this feeling of despair is tormenting me. I am sitting here banging my head up against a wall trying to figure out what triggered this so badly. This urge is so strong, I am tired of living; half living that is.

I feel like falling and not getting back up. Just let everyone pretend I am not laying on the ground. Then eventually I can't take the constant kicking of those who walk by me. My body shuts down and peace sets in as I can go, get away from this person of who we dare to know.

Why can't it be so simple as to say, "Okay I am ready to go now, then poof, we are gone." Can't I have this last wish of suddenly, but with relief for others that I am gone. Wouldn't it be wonderful for them? To have a life without Justy, always sick and can't get it together. A normal life for them and peace for me. So let me fall into the deepest sleep. A dream land of what I imagine over and over. Take me to this place so I can let go of the ones I destroy everyday I wake up. So don't let me wake up, I beg this power that is unknown for me.

As the pain inside is so strong, but feeling so numb makes confusion control my insane thoughts. How can one feel such despair yet feel so cold?? How is this possible?? I can feel the hunger, my stomach begging for forgiveness, begging to let the starvation cease. Yet the mind yelling and screaming, "No!!! This is not allowed." The mind always wins, so no you can't have a damn thing, I will not allow it. So starve, let all of this waste away to nothing as this is what I am. And it hurts dearly to even think this way, to read what I write. But yet it feels right. How can this battle continue, someone has to win. The war needs to end, and this is what I desire. This is what I long for.

No more doctors, no more counselors, no more bf on my case, no more father telling me I am nobody, no more memories of my pathetic self hiding from my husband when he is mad, no more thoughts of the past, no more thoughts of the future, no more disgusting attempts at killing myself, no more looking at food and wanting to throw it so far away, no more writing every little stupid detail of what I drink, what I don't drink, what I throw the hell up, no more pills, nothing. FLIPPING NOTHING. Let go of the anger, the pain, the memories, this terrible sadness that has every part of my very innerself.

Can you see?? This is who I am. A nothing, nobody, a quitter who yes; did not amount to anything. Yes dad, your so right. You were always right. Well I don't have to remember anymore, right? The thoughts of you beating my sibling into a wall, knocking her completely out. The thoughts of you dragging my other sibling clear across the lawn by her hair. The thoughts of you doing what you did best, to all of us.

I am driving myself insane, but although I must already be there. Why is this ranting through my mind. A rush of memories that have washed over me. Why all this at once. Is this why people let the insanity wash over, let it take control and do the thing that is the most selfish act possible? Where are the answers, nobody has them. So what the *#$@ is wrong with me. I don't have the answers either or I would not be a coward certifiable nut job if I did. Really, how sick is this. Should have kept me locked up when they had the chance, how fooled were they?

What a stupid post. I can't believe the junk that comes from my mind. So you may have the same question; what the hell is wrong with you Justy?? I wish I knew. NO this is not a suicide goodbye. I am not telling you that I am going to do this at the moment. This is nonsense at its finest. Dont make a whole lot of sense anyway.

Justy