I am having small shifts in mood in the past few days. Mostly dark depression with fatigue but moments where I can focus and do small tasks. I took my son to the mall today to buy some pants and a shirt. I had thought I would look around at the mall for something to cheer me up - you know, retail therapy, but I was overcome with fatigue before we even left the mall and it was a struggle to drive home and immediately I had to lie quietly on my bed because I was feeling overwhelmed.

Three hours later I have not slept but feel mostly detached/numb.

On Friday I saw my therapist who recommended I contact my MD to discuss an anti-depressant. I sent my MD an e-mail Friday and no response so sent another this morning. Still no response. Everybody here is telling me to ask for help but what do I do when help isn't found?

I am thinking I am in a mixed bipolar state rather than depression because yesterday I was extremely angry for no specific reason and when I was driving my car I was thinking I really wish somebody would mess with me now because I so very much would like to beat somebody senseless with my Maglite. I had decided I would not provoke a physical altercation but was looking for every opportunity to incite someone to anger and then I was going to tell them go ahead take the first punch and then I am going to F**** you up. But nothing happened.

I am terribly frustrated that I am getting no response from my MD. Is a four day delay acceptable or not? The worst thing is even though I don't trust him there is nobody else I trust either so there is no point in firing him when I have no one else to treat me.

I am having a difficult time differentiating my reasonable anger and irrational anger.

I don't have another appt until early October with my therapist and right now I don't know if I am stable. This board is the only place I have to express my pain and find support.