I'm just gonna copy and paste some quotes from my other thread here.

At the age of 11 I moved with my parents to another country. I was the only non English speaking person back then at school. I got severely bullied, physically as well as verbally. I lasted the whole year, day by day, month by month, hiding, avoiding everyone, feeling totally not in the right place. I couldn't cope. I didn't understand the lessons much at first, couldn't start a conversation. People would start fights with me, kept coming to "check" me once they've heard about me, were waiting for me in particular places, following me. I was pushed and spitted at. It was hell. I cried nearly every day, my suicidal thoughts started to occur. Each morning on a bus to school I would literally pray for meeting someone of my nationality, who'd understand me. It was a terrible idea to send me there. After that year we moved back to our country and town.

As I said, I came back to my country and again had to go to another school. "The middle school", that's how we call it. And there, I was again and outsider, some girl who just moved back from another country. But it wasn't easy for me to interact with people after the previous year. I laughed, but I was unsecure and scared. I grew so scared of school I would have a full blown panic attack at 80% of the lessons. I didn't have anyone, I was invisible. They would sometimes just laugh at me, though there was that one girl that I was friends with. I often felt ashamed, embarassed, anxious.

It actually wasn't the only time I got bullied, there was a lot of it in my life, perhaps due to my family that never taught me how to properly interact with others and separated me from them. I was never a saint, there were surely times I was mean to others, too. After coming back to my country there was depression, lots of meds, then my SSRI induced mania (plus Xanax, lots of it at that time) that I've written about here http://forums.psychcentral.com/bipol...-long-one.html

The thing is, that in order to feel safe, I need to separate myself from others. There's a "me against the world" and "me hated by the whole human kind" game strong going in the back of my mind

After my so called manic episode I really had this group of friends, we sticked together for a few years, there were some really interesting personalities among them. We were partying together, going on a trips, meeting nearly everyday, until like 90% of them moved out... But I have to admit that I totally don't know how to behave among others. I was terrible. Narcissistic, paranoid, talking behind others back in order to feel in control, because I was unable to solve a conflict in any other way (like most of them, but it doesn't matter). I was jealous. Done a lot of cutting myself off. Really anxious. Feeling odd, crazy, feeling hated a lot without reason. Dealing in others is for me more of a survival and showing who's the strong one, than enjoying company. I always had to isolate myself in order to feel safe again.

And there was this thing that happened on this year's New Years Eve...

It's a bit complicated to explain... One of my friends from my town, let's call him Marc, has this ex-girlfriend from another town, 200 km away from mine, let's call her Jane. Jane is crazy. Even more than I am. Jane is lying about herself in order to get compassion, getting extremely drunk, unable to solve her problems, beating people when drunk, screaming at people, she's a drunk driver and I did not like her from the very beginning, though she pretended to be the most charming person ever. Jane and Marc had/have a very toxic relationship and many people are involved, including Jane's female friends, who are very protective of her, creating this little gang. There was also my other friend and I'll call him Frank, who moved in with Jane.

Okay, so past year I really did wanna give Jane another chance, I said sorry, she said sorry, I didn't wanna be a bi.tch etc. I decided to come to her and Frank on NYE. And so i did. I just didn't know that the party is going to be kept at some...Adult friend of Jane's best girlfriend mother... There were some people I totally didn't know, mostly in their 30-40, very weird people. The party was awful.
Fortunately there were my other male friends who came there after midnight, guys from my town also (we re all 20 yrs old). Who also didn't know these people, but they had a party in the capital city which was not so far away, it was boring, so they came. And there was this stupid, pointless argument that started, and those men in their 40 who were there happened to be very aggressive.
One of them attacked me when I was trying to make him go away, because I was calmly leaving with one of my friends, we were already outside the house (believe it or not, i can be very self controlled in such situations). He grabbed me by my shoulder and neck and pushed me away, calling me some nasty way. He took another guy and their started to beat my friend, broke him a few parts, even though he was telling them to stop cause he couldn;t defend himself.

Jane, who was already drunk on one of the sofas, had to complain something about me and my past conflict with her to her bff, cause that girl also went outside, we thought she wants to help control the situtation (the guy that attacked me was her father or sth), but she just started getting at me, wanting to punch me, I was like WTF.

Then she was screaming at me for like 30 min, told me to die, how bad I am, all these names I can't even repeat in another language, extremely offensive, what a piece of **** I am, how someone should rape/kill me, how i will never gain any respect, how no one will ever like me, this trash I am... I asked her what this was about, and she screamed it's because I was against her BFF's relationship. Niiiiice.

And as I have this manner or dissociating and getting extremely ignorant in such situations, I just told her "Thanks for your lovely remarks" and went away.

Those men already left my friend on the ground (he wasn't that Jane's ex, another person), so I took him, we walked a bit, then I called police and we got escorted to Franks and Jane house. But it wasnt over, cause when we were sleeping, Jane had another quarrel with her ex (they came home much later) and a few hours later she sneaked out to drive 40 km totally drunk, no one KNEW about it, we didn't hear the car engine, so we couldn;t stop her (even if someone would hear her going outside, we would have thought she is going to buy some food or smoke a cigarette, because it;s not natural for us to go drunk driving to feel better). Jane drove all the way to her grandma. To drink tea and talk. Niiice. Her aggressive stepfather came to us when he founf out, woke us up, calling us pieces of sh.it, his fists in the air, and threw us out... (The only reason Frank is staying there is because he doesn't stop drinking ever since he moved out. Actually he drinks to the point of hallucinating and it was SO NICE of him to get drunk the next day all that happened and scream at me I'm nothing.).

I was supposed to go to the court with all of this along with my friend who got beaten (he's a law student) but the lawyer said it won't necessarily have a positive outcome for us. However we decided to stay away from this people and their town. Jane just commented that "nothing happened, it was just alcohol, we shouldn't be bothered" and I had an argument with her about that. I don't wanna see her ever again, but it's another thing.

2015 was enough stressful for me, along with some guy TRYING to sexually harass me, and I have to admit, that in 2016 i just completely isolated myself. I also lost the job the other day due to financial cuts and I'm just sitting at home, not going out. I trust no one, I don't feel like going out with someone could be a pleasure, I - again - feel odd and crazy. Got extreme intrusive thoughts of all kind (i do have severe OCD, including violent, sexual and suicidal thoughts, memories also), I'm afraid of developing psychosis or some wild mania (though i don't really believe I can get mania without meds or at least tons of alcohol), I had another depression episode already, anxiety, extreme derealization, didn't get out of bed, passing family problems also... I try to get back to life, im doing house renovation, but i dont feel like im going anywhere...

I'd like to help myself dealing with emotions but I have a hard time recognizing them, i can't trust myself.

Any tips for dealing with the world? With myself?

I don't know what approach to take, I find so many possible ones. It's hard for me because my mind is so wild, one day I believe I'm a schizophrenic and won't get out of bed, fearing there's no future for me, other one I'm like not so really bad, but not sure...My obsessive- compulsive personality cannot live without some clear, simple way of understanding myself.

Yet I need to stop being so defensive and hypervigiliant, because it won't get me anywhere.

Sorry for the language mistakes, I'm not a native speaker.