Hi, I understand, I am in the same position as you, often we feel the need to put on a front sometimes I think that if others see me laughing, smiling, being open that somehow I will convince myself that I really am. Sometimes it works but mostly it does not. I personally think that people like you are very strong, because it takes a lot more strength to persist through life's trials and tribulations and still try to function as a "normal" member of society.
Don't give up!