ah, i hope i have provided enough support for those of you who need it. i'm currently in a place of no hope. i'm too tired. way too tired. i want to live. i'm so exhausted from just holding on. if there was a good way to do cryogenic freezing, i'd like to go into cryogenic freeze and be resurrected in a time where they have a handle on treatment-resistant depression. then again, it's not in my life-time and i'd have to leave everyone behind. it would not be fair. so i keep staying here. i can't do anything. it's so bad, especially since my pdoc has given up because we've ran out of options. now my insurance refused to cover for vns therapy. i'm too tired. i think i'll just hibernate, but i want to be in life. i don't want to wake up and find that all of my pet family has aged and passed on. i love them too much not to give them my love. but, i'm not able to function. my hubby would miss me if i hibernate, anyway. i feel as if i'm a ghost, unable to affect anything in life. i hate being dead and a ghost. sorry if this is so depressing. i try to focus on the good, and give support, but it's not helping me. but, my support is very genuine. i feel like a fake because of the way i feel. so depressed. so tired. but i like to give out hope to those who need it. crying all over the world wide web apparently doesn't get me what i need - vns therapy, relief, energy. i do so appreciate your support, though. well, i hope a world of good will come out of this because it's been 1 1/2 years of pure hell for me. there's so many good around me, and life is perfect (not like fairy tale), and i can't even feel joy or pleasure. i wish so much to live. i'm a complete vegatable. don't talk much, although i type a lot in here. wish, wish, wish, and wishing for a miracle. praying on and on. so tired. too tired.