I feel like I have lost the ability to enjoy the things I used to enjoy, which has resulted in a loss of interest in doing things because they do not fulfil me.

I feel like they describe depression in men or adolescents, or how they describe dry alcoholics, restless irritable & discontent.

I have a problem with always wanting more, like I'm searching for something but I don't know what. I flip rapidly between nihilism & elation.

I seek out substances. Often they help, often they don't but I still need them for those times they do relieve the negative thoughts & replace them with positive ones.

I can't stand feeling uncomfortable mentally or physically, it's unbearable to me.

Chemical dependency has distilled in me a taste for immediate relief.

I've read multiple studies that showed that methamphetamine administration increased extracellular glutamate which could be associated with its excitotoxic effect & that long-term meth use can then result to eventual decrease in dopamine and serotonin neurones.

I think this is what's happened to me. That or overstimulation of dopamine receptors has resulted in down regulation of dopamine thereby resulting in me needing more dopamine to feel a sense of wellbeing at all.

That's why I find it so hard to understand why I have these elevations in mood & energy all of a sudden, sometimes for days at a time. Maybe I really do have bipolar. Maybe I just have an unstable personality.

Maybe this is the aftermath of 3 years of meth use, an aftermath I'm still suffering almost 3 years later.

Will my brain ever recover?