Yoda,

What you are going through right now sounds so similar to all the feelings I have gone through the last 12 years.......my depression started as a situation & went downhill from there. The only thing different was your abusive boyfriend situation.

My marriage was very unhappy even though he was a nice person...he just isn't a good husband. My career as an aerospace engineer was my escape from my unhappy family life & without that, I was completely lost. I was a mother of a wonderful daughter, but I didn't want to be a mother either. So when I lost my career, I lost myself & that anxiety went directly into depression & so many suicide attempts & hospitalizations....I lost count.

My husband was working, but without the 2 incomes, we could no longer pay for the housekeeper. I was doing the house work to start with, but then I got no help & started refusing to do anything in the house. That was around 1995........add to that, we added many dogs & with that came doggie messes. Living in the California desert, the dust & dirt comes inside with the winds that never stop....& the dirt kept piling up. Dishes were used & never cleaned, things were just dropped on the floor whereever he decided to drop them & I refused to pick up after him. Our marriage was at the over point for so many years but it was always "if you don't like it get out". I had no where to go, so my getting out was to hibernate in my room & left the house to him.....& the dirt kept piling up.

Then he was fired from his job & he ended up depressed like how loosing my career effected me. Then he understood how I had felt, but it was ok for him to feel that way & not for me. The dirt continued to pile up & papers that should have gone into the trash were thrown onto the floor to pile up even more. At least, we pretty much kept the doggie dirt cleaned up as much as possible......(as much as possible isn't good though). The house is filthy. One morning, he was cooking on the stove & ran into a spider web. He looked up & there was a huge black widow staring back at him.

He didn't see the dirt & I refused to do anything about it all by myself. Then to top that, my Mother died & I moved some things I wanted to keep from her house into ours. Every room of our 2500 sq ft home was filled to overflowing. There is no way to walk across any room without tripping over everything....& there isn't even enough room to make pathways.

My description of my house is 4 walls holding it all in & if they fell down, the junk would cover our city at least 2 feet deep all over. It feels like the city dump contained in 4 walls & a roof.

I knew that after I sold my Mothers house that I was going to buy a farm somewhere so I could finally have my horses on my own property rather than having to board them.....but that would mean I would be moving & would have to pack up the mess. Selling the house meant that EVERYTHING in the house would have to be gone through & thrown away, given away, or packed. Then all the dirt that had been piling up needed to be cleaned...besides, I couldn't pack up dirty things....they all would have to be cleaned. That job was overwhelming & completely impossible. If not impossible.....how many years would it take to do it????

As soon as I sold my Mothers house, I started packing up little things & I didn't make even a dent in the mess. I saw years & years or work ahead of me & because neither of us were working, couldn't afford to hire anyone. That was my pdoc's suggestion...just hire it done.....so was he going to donate money to the cause???? I think not!!!!

I would just lay in bed & cry & anxiety attacks would pile one on top of another....realizing the reality that it was never going to get done....& while it wasn't getting done, it was getting worse daily.....how could I ever get ahead of a daily process that wouldn't stop?

Then I took a trip to Kentucky & found the farm of my dreams.....or at least the farm land & house.....that still needs the horse barn & dressage arena.......but there was the incentive to get moved. A clean slate...& new home that is now all painted with new carpet & nothing in it. I was there for 2 1/2 months getting it cleaned up & repaired. I gave my husband instructions on what I wanted done in the CA home & that didn't happen. The bottom line was that he was as overwhelmed as I was.....so how could I expect him to do something I was having problems with. However, my farm was also my way to "get out if I didn't like it". So the move to Kentucky is all my own. While in Ky, I learned that the me that I had lost when I got married was the one that does something when it has to be done.....not waiting for it to get done by someone else, or waiting for it to go away. I got in & did things there & was determined to bring that me back to CA. However when I arrived back at my CA house, the overwhelm took over for a few weeks. Figuring out where to even start was impossible. I would lay in bed thinking about what I needed to do & did NOTHING.....day after day. Then one day, I got some empty boxes & started putting things into them......I started at one end of a room. I would pick up everything & decide if it was throw away, keep, or give away....boxing things appropriatly. As I got things picked up off the floor, I could actually see all the dirt on the carpet.....maybe 1/8" deep in just dirt.....so I got a brush out & a vacuum & started cleaning under where the things had been sitting. This was a start. Sometimes I would pick something up & decide I needed it to be in another room upstairs. I would go upstairs & start working around that item....then I would come across something from another room & go into there......then I would work around that area. It was amazing how everything started coming together.

Honestly, it is no where close to being finished.....I have only been in Ca since Aug 2, I couldn't figure out where to start for a few weeks, so I haven't really gotten too far. The other method that I am working on is finding like things & putting them together.....that is where the going from room to room comes in. Then I decided to collect all the bed sheets & covers......the towels........the blankets. Each have a wash basket I pile them in as I come across them & then I put them into the washer & dryer. As I get them cleaned, I fold them & pile them in their correct piles as to the size of the bed......or pack them up ready for the move after I have decided if I'm going to keep them. I have all my candles on one table & picture frames on another. I find boxed to pile other like things into & then I find some time when I just want to sit down & that's when I clean all the things & get all the years of dirt off of them.

I also understand your frustration in finding needed help. There isn't anything worse than having a problem & everyone telling you that you need help, but no one helps you get the help you need. I know after my Mother died, I was very ill. The trauma I went through with the home care person who I caught stealing my Mothers ID & the threats I got caused me so much stress I ended up not being able to eat. That landed me in the hospital on a central line to keep me alive & I was afraid of being found by the lady. I was being told that I had anorexia & needed to be in a treatment center....by my pdoc & my GP. They all told me to find a place to get the help I needed & in looking around, the ED treatment centers said it wasn't anything they could help me with because my problem was PTSD & not true anorexia.....so where in the world do you go for help......I needed someone to give me direction....I wasn't in any state to give myself direction. I was continually loosing weight even after that & was in the hospital every few weeks because of dehydration. Weak from not being able to eat, anxiety attacks & horrible nightmares so I couldn't sleep for fear of them. I was finally put on seroquel for the anxiety....it would knock me out so I could finally sleep without the nightmares, but I was completely useless to function.....but I couldn't get any help. I felt so helpless & that turned into anger.....why in the world couldn't I get any help....it felt complicated to me, but there were professionals out there that should be able to help.....why wouldn't anyone listen to me? Didn't they believe that what I went through had effected me this way? It didn't seem that serious to them.....they weren't the ones that were threatened or the one that went through the death of their Mother without any support. Feeling abandoned by the professionals is the most frustrating feeling I have ever had & the anger that caused.....made me strike out at anyone in my way. It has now been 2 1/2 years since my Mother died but until I found my farm in Ky, I was a mess. There was some improvement the last 6 months.....but the new life in KY made a complete difference....it is like starting over with a clean slate.....even the nightmares were left behind......& the realization of being free from the marriage that had been such a bad rut gave me the most wonderful new outlook on life.

I hope you know that I understand your feelings completely.....I hope also that some of what I have said here will at least give you some hope that the mess we end up in can actually get cleaned up even by ourselves.....but it definitely is easier if you have help.

There is light at the end of the tunel & it isn't the headlight of the train......you can get there piece at a time & the awsome thing is that once you see a clearing, it gives more incentive to continue & make more of the house look better.....kind of a snow ball effect.

Hope this helps a bit.....you have my best wishes....if you ever feel like you would like to PM me & share any thoughts or need any massive dose of encouragement.....I will gladly be here.

Hugz,
Debbie