Hi all,

I feel enormously confused and hurt, and I needed somewhere to talk about this. I appreciate all insight and advice, but please try to be gentle.

I've been seeing my T for two years.

She nearly abandoned me about a year ago. (Wow, it's crazy to think it's been a year.) Then, she did the same thing about six months later. By "nearly abandoned," I mean - threw her hands up in frustration and said, "notwithhaste, I can't work with you anymore." But then, both times, I had an emotional breakdown complete with sobbing into her carpet, and she calmed down and stayed.

I knew that, both times, I had been angry with her for many consecutive sessions, and she felt attacked and apparently couldn't handle it. There were also times when she would get angry right back, and that felt pretty terrifying.

I expressed all of this in a note to her last week, and I asked her for an apology. I wrote out exactly what I thought I needed to hear her say - and she told me that she felt she could say all of it, and then she did...that she was sorry, she knows she hurt me, she should have known better, she wouldn't do it again now, she wants to be here for me. I felt tremendously relieved, and the apology felt genuine.

Afterwards, she said a couple of things that felt pretty insensitive, though, and made me question the sincerity of the apology. Like, for instance, that she couldn't absolutely promise it wouldn't happen again; it might if we "get caught up" in something. I started to express that I don't WANT her to get caught up, and she said, "If you wanted a therapist who didn't get caught up, we wouldn't be sitting on the floor right now." (We sit on the floor during my sessions, per my request - it's something I asked for a long time ago, before any of this happened.) That felt really invalidating to me - can't I want closeness and involvement, WITHOUT wanting my T to be so involved that she gets "caught up" and then leaves me alone?

But she did say that, if it were to happen again, it would "never be justified."

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm feeling really angry and distrustful about some of the comments she made in our last session (especially the one I mention above). I don't want to tell her this because I'm worried about her reaction - will she feel attacked? will she get frustrated and leave? etc. I'm pretty much paralyzed with anxiety, so I say very little - but I'm also really upset with her, so I don't hug her when I come in (she usually greets me with a hug - this time, she offered, and I declined), and I go right for the couch, so we're not sitting on the floor. I don't want to tell her why, so I say I don't feel well - which is true, but not the real reason. I'm quiet and kind of petulant - I'm basically acting like a teenager whose mom is asking her how school went that day. "Fine." I recognize that it wasn't be best strategy. I honestly didn't have a strategy, so that's what I defaulted to. I just wanted to get out of there. I was so nervous.

She eventually commented that I didn't seem to want to be there...she said she wanted to talk about it...and then it all came spilling out. I told her how upset I was. I'm sure I sounded angry and accusatory.

I can't remember a lot of what happened after. What I do remember is that, towards the end of the session, I told her that what I had needed (and thought I got) was for her to admit that it is just WRONG for a therapist to suddenly up and leave a client out of frustration. It's not okay. And her response was, "Actually, I think that absolutely is okay. This is a private business." I started crying and said, "How is that okay? You form an emotionally dependent relationship with someone who is relying on you for help, and you just suddenly leave because you feel frustrated? That's okay?" And then she said, "Well, if I'm being abused it is" - and then she told me that I was abusive to her. I was sobbing, and she (from my perspective) berated me, with how I was petulant, demanding, full of rage...abusive. I told her that I never meant to abuse her, I just wanted her to understand how I felt - I would get upset with her, and she wouldn't understand why I was upset/wouldn't apologize, so then I'd get even more upset, and it would escalate. But I never called her names, never cursed at her, never threatened her...

That's pretty much where we left it. The session ended. She said, "You okay?" but didn't sound particularly concerned. I said, "Oh, yeah, I'm super great" and stormed out crying. I spent 20 more mins crying in the office bathroom. Came home and cried some more. I am completely confused and heartbroken. This woman is like a mother to me, and she thinks I deserved to be left because I'm abusive? Am I abusive? I don't understand. Last week, she said that abandoning me would never be justified - now it's suddenly completely justified because I'm an abuser!

I'm supposed to see her again Monday. I don't know if I can handle going. I can't believe that's what she thinks of me. Maybe it's true?

Has your therapist ever called you abusive?

Thank you for reading...and thank you for any support you can offer, I really appreciate it.