Welp, so far today, I've had two emotional breakdowns and emailed her twice. That probably wasn't a good idea. The first time, I cancelled Monday's session. Then I had a breakdown about the thought of not seeing her on Monday, and I sent another email, which was basically just an emotional free-for-all about how hurt/confused I am, how much I love her...A+ for me. I'm so good at managing my feelings!

Maybe I really am such a basket-case that no therapist can handle me.

I think that Feeling Attacked and thinking "Notwithhaste thinks I can't do anything right" are triggers for her. I don't know if that's particular to our relationship, or if that's just how she is with everyone - but it seems like, when I make her feel like that, then she says hurtful things. Open communication about anger is only received well if I qualify it a bunch of times, try my best not to accuse and to stay calm, etc. I was doing a pretty good job for a while, I think, and we were doing better. But I just felt SO upset yesterday, I didn't mince words at all. And I know that, if I don't mince words, the conversation is unlikely to go well for me. There have been a few times I've been pleasantly surprised, but for the most part, I know not to act like that now. Not to "act out" my emotions, to just state them.

And it's like - I don't want to trigger her! I know life is hard! But at the same time, I feel so close to her that, when she does something hurtful, *I* feel so triggered that managing my feelings becomes a herculean task. And I wish that she would just understand that and not take it personally, because PART of my anger/upset is about her, and PART of it is about past wounds, and all of that combined together means a whole lot of emotion is brewing, and I need help with it! I feel envious when I hear stories of therapists allowing their clients to get angry with them. I can be mad, but not so mad that I'm not "using my words," as they say. "I" statements and all that. I know it's important to develop those skills. I wish she wouldn't punish me for not having them all the time. Then I feel afraid of feeling angry, which just adds even more emotion to the mix.

Now I'm hoping she's going to see my email, realize she was wrong, and apologize. That could happen. Or she could say something even more hurtful. Or just not answer.

I have to believe that she cares about me...she's given me her time...she hugs me...sometimes she just looks at me with that LOOK where you know someone genuinely feels something for you. That can't all be fake, can it? How can people "switch" so quickly?

Anyway, I'm sorry I'm just continually rambling and not really replying to everyone's thoughts. I really appreciate if you took the time to reply, and I'm thinking about everything you've said. I know I must seem really crazy for not wanting to leave her. I guess I want her to change, probably because I couldn't change my mother...what else is new.