Hi everyone, I think that this is my first time on this thread. I've struggled with low self esteem, depression, and some degree of social anxiety at times due to being verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused by my family, so called friends, and peers for most of my life. I was also bullied at school. The worst bullying occurred when I was 11-15. I was bullied a little bit here and there in h.s, but only a few people would say mean things to me when they saw me. I was always a nice person, so I don't get why I was a target back then. I didn't really stick up for myself most of the time, so that was part of the problem I guess.

I'm better than it used to be for sure. I still struggle with trying to feel confident at times. Especially when other people try to still bring me down like my family and my husband.

Recently my younger sister who is a narcissist who is also bipolar and unmedicated told me that I'm very unhappy, insecure, and that it all comes out in the way that I carry myself and by what I say and do. She has usually been outgoing, popular, and she was usually a brat to me growing up. And still is. Long story short, she has had a lot of issues with my parents, bad relationships, problems with money, and still having to rely on my parents for help with paying for her Lexus, food, clothes, etc...So maybe she resents me for being married for 20 plus years when she jumps from one bad relationship to another. She has also sucker punched me from behind once and left me scarred for months. We didn't talk for over a year after that. I tried to call the cops on her, but my parents and my husband wouldn't let me. Also, we have our own house, she has always lived in apartments, and for years had to resort to moving back home with my parents more than a few times.

She is a hot mess. Sorry, but she is. And she thinks that I have issues? lol! She has also been arrested for assaulting one of her ex's in the past (claimed that it was self defense and that he hit her), had another ex dope dealer hit her, and she tried to get him to sell drugs again to support her according to him (and she stole a check or two from him), her current b.f hit her when he was drunk, but she forgave him, and they're still together now and happy it seems like, one other guy committed identity theft and she claimed she had nothing to do with it. He got arrested and deported back to his country as he was an illegal immigrant, and she's had one DUI too. I have gotten a DUI too, so I'm not perfect of course. I learned my lesson, did what I had to do, and I'll never make that mistake again! My husband took forever to get over that though, over a year or two I think, and he still reminds me of it from time to time, ugh!

Anyways, I told her that I thought she was trying to hurt me after we had yet another fight after having peace for months, but when I see her in person, it seems like she tries to push my buttons and do whatever she can to disrespect my feelings, my time (by making me wait for her constantly for example, being dismissive, rude, telling me that I look angry or act angry.

I asked my husband if any of this was true. He said that she is right to a certain degree. He told me that I tend to look upset and not smile enough, that I look weird when I wear my sun glasses in restaurants, even if it's only for a minute inside, then I take them off. And he still thinks it's weird when I wear them outside when it's sunny! WTH?

Also, he tells me that I don't make enough eye contact with waiters and other people. That's not true anymore. I don't always look at waiters, but I do talk to them and make occasional eye contact. He tends to be a very black and white thinker. He is kind of judgemental too. The good thing is that he DID tell me that she probably told me all those things just to hurt me, and so did my dad. Even I told her that I don't believe her toxic lies. But after hearing how I don't command respect from my husband who is always blunt, I can't help but wonder if her words have any merit to them.

We've had our issues in the past. He is very confident, and even arrogant at times. I've always been shy and introverted with most people, but I am nice to people who are nice to me, and I can talk to anyone who talks to me first.

Oh, and he also had the nerve to tell me that part of the reason why I don't command respect is because I'm overweight. WTH? He told me that no one respects fat people, his words. He told me that it's an unconscious thing. Does anyone think that he has a point or not? A good male friend told me that everyone does judge, and in essence, he is right, and that a lot of people just suck.

This is really bothering me more than it should. I didn't think that I came across that badly until now. My friends think that I seem fine and they don't agree with what they said, so I'm confused. For the record, my husband complains a lot about how I don't do this right, or how I'm usually at fault for not being able to get along with people like his annoying and judgemental family and friends who never liked or accepted me as well as my own crazy, dysfunctional and abusive family, and he rarely has anything good to say about me. I don't think that me means to be that way, but he is. I rarely hear him compliment me on anything, ugh! He has called me crazy and stupid in the past too when we had fights. He has always joked about how annoying and crazy I am, but I let it go and tell him that he's just a giant ***, and he is, lol.

As for my friends, maybe they're trying to not hurt my feelings? Idk. I'd appreciate any comments and insight into this. Thanks.