I get what you're saying about feeling "protective" of your therapist, notwithhaste. Boy, do I get it. In my family, that's what love cost--I needed to be aware and protective of my parents. I needed to mind my p's and q's at all times. It wasn't okay to express my anxiety, fears, anger or even intense love, and it sure wasn't okay to express those things when I needed something from them, but I dang better be so attuned to their feelings and needs that I could turn myself into a pretzel to accommodate them. I LOVE my parents. They are good people, they just weren't great at parenting or helping their children soothe or comfort themselves or get their needs met without intense feelings of shame and humiliation. . . not to mention what my abuser did to create havoc with those emotions!

The thing I'm learning with my current therapist is that I truly don't have to turn myself into a pretzel or hide my true emotions because of fear that she will be offended, hurt or angry by what I need to express. I'm the queen of living inside my head--intellectualizing and analyzing everything, but that hasn't helped me live my life in the way I'd like to. I'm learning to lean into the pain of being vulnerable to another person and to examine why that leaning in is so painful and shaming for me. I couldn't do the work if I was still worrying about whether or not my therapist was going to dump me. We have very frank talks about what her commitment is to me--she doesn't tell me that she'll never leave me or that she "loves" me and thinks about me all the time. But she does let me know that, baring any "life situations", she's in this for the long haul, and she isn't offended by expressions of anger or rage, that name calling isn't going to change who she knows herself to be (so if I call her an "f'ing *****", she's strong enough within herself that she knows that isn't the case), and although she's human and admits that she can get frustrated by my continued testing of her commitment, she isn't going to yell at me or call me names or dump me. We even have frequent conversations about me "dumping" her or "firing" her and how she doesn't want that to happen, she wants me to talk it through with her, but if I decide that's the right action for me to take, she'll be sad to see me leave, but she will respect it. She won't chase me, we've even talked about that, but she enjoys working with me and will miss our sessions. Will she pine away from me leaving? No, I get that. But what I get also is that she's open to talking about ANYTHING I'm feeling and nothing I have to say about our work is off limits or wrong. When a therapist tells us to trust them and then puts qualifications on how that information can be presented, I think that's when therapy gets stuck and unproductive. But I do understand how hard it would be to question your therapist's motives and ability to do therapy in a productive manner because she has been very giving in the soothing, loving, empathetic department--but in the long run, it's how our therapist handle our anger, rage and disappointment that is so very very important. That is where the real work and healing happens, at least in my opinion!