Thank you for replying! Yeah I'm going to look into doing a diagnostic interview. When I feel broken the thought of a diagnosis (whatever is is) is comforting because it suggests to me that things can be OK and I can learn. When I feel everything is OK though the thought of a diagnosis (DID or bipolar?) is scary because it says to me that this real and that I may 'lose control' and switch into my suicidal broken self. I've been feeling my scared five year old self when I think about it and just want to be hugged and held and told everything is going to be OK. But I know these are all ME. I'm just not sure where metaphor ends and where actual difference between these 'states' begins. Thanks for witnessing.