I feel like my life is kind of wasted, or at least I don't know how to position myself into a place where I can be happy. I'm not even sure how to be honestly happy.

I'm in my mid 30s, I'm in a job I don't like, but I failed to find another. I'm single, which came after an under 2 year relationship several years ago, only the second in my entire lifetime and by far the longest (the first lasted a month). Being single ended up being some kind of choice because I feel a bit separated from people, I don't feel like I connect, or that I belong.

It's a bit the story of my life, trying different things, different groups, trying to find people and places where I belong, and I found it much harder to enjoy other people's company, than them enjoying mine. But at the same time, I feel lonely, so that's problematic as well.

I've been seeing shrinks for over a decade, far longer than I've been in a relationship. More than one, depending on my opportunities. I've also seen doctors, called suicide hotlines, turned towards friends and family, basically if it's in "the book", I've done it, I've done my part.

And I see the years wasting away, I'm miserable, I've been like that for so long, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like everything I'm being fed is the same kind of generic stuff I can expect, or a lot of "I don't know what's wrong with you".

To make matters worst, I started a big project about my passion a few years ago (it's not, but let's say a movie), and I've invested a ton of money, started a company, all those things which everything I read said I should follow. And it's just not working out, I basically lost years of life sayings, retirement funds, borrowed money, and the result is frankly mediocre. It'll be immediately forgotten once it's released.

So I don't know what to do anymore. I've become bitter, I cry all the time, today I smashed my keyboard in two out of rage. And I can't even stop the project lest I destroy the smallest bit of momentum I have. And I feel like I'm pushing people around me away, I've becomed this mopey, desperate guy which I hate.

I just don't know what to do, I don't see any solutions, no one has offered me anything. Not friends, family, doctors, psychiatrists. What am I supposed to do?!