First of all, I don't know where I fit in. I am posting this in the depression thread because that is mostly how I feel.

I have developed somewhat of an obsession with podcasts, youtube videos and articles on depression and Bipolar. It started with depression after recovering from a period of major depression and then I thought I was Bipolar so I researched it to death but it also occurred to me that I would likely be ADHD since my brother was diagnosed, I had learning disabilities and my mother most likely is.. though is undiagnosed. So I started researching about symptoms of that too.

I soo badly want a diagnosis because I've been feeling like I can't live like this anymore. I read some old journals of mine last night which reminded me of the pain I felt 10 years ago is the same I feel now. I thought it was new. It's dark and desperate. I was obsessed with being in love because I thought that would fix me. I dealt with insomnia and blamed it on the relationships. I controlled and restricted my eating. When I was 19, I only allowed myself 60 calories/day. I weighed about 105 lbs when my aunt told me I was too skinny so I started eating again because I didn't want to look anorexic, but the disordered eating never went away. My uncle was diagnosed Bi-Polar though he is my half uncle and substance abuse also runs in the family.

On nights that I was really hurting I would drink a bottle of wine cry myself to sleep and then sleep all day the next day. Usually it was triggered by something that happened in a relationship. Getting through university was tough. Ten years later and I still have a hard time getting out of bed. But I noticed in my writing.. and remember this, that there were times where everything made sense. Like I finally got it and would write strange philosophical things in my journal. I still get times which last from about 2 - 5 days where it feels like I will NEVER be depressed again.. like I finally got it all figured out and I am soo overwhelmed with joy that I want to laugh and cry. I am creative and every joke I tell is funny. These are times where I feel like I would be a good lover and a good friend because I can listen to them, offer good advice, make them feel better and provide support.

My friend just went through his father being diagnosed with cancer and then getting surgery and I felt like a ****** friend hanging out with him tonight. I couldn't get out of my own head. I was focused on how I was feeling not him. I was trying to express how I felt last week, without asking how he is doing. Then I get home and thought, how could I be soo selfish? How come I can't just forget about how I feel for a day and listen/talk to him? Am I obsessed with being ill or am I desperate to find a reason why I feel like sometimes there is not point to this world, to being alive, to being human and to trying... except I don't want to be dead. I don't think I could kill myself.

... I want to know sometimes if the way I feel is maybe not under my control but maybe it's chemical and I can't help it. It would almost be a relief.

Help. Anyone else feel selfish and self involved/obsessed with being unwell? - even though all you want is to be well, thought I don't know what that looks like.