Some background: I am quasi-diagnosed with BPD, diagnosed PTSD and GAD, and have some serious attachment issues. I was abused and neglected as a kid, took on a parenting role at 7, got into my first (one of two) abusive relationships at 13. Consistent and constant abuse victim up until three years ago. I also want to say that I recognize that not a single one of these are excuses. I don't make excuses for my behavior and in fact, work very hard to do so and to keep my behavior in check as I realize these things directly affect my life, my thinking, my relationships, etc...

I'm in a committed relationship and it is my first healthy one. I feel like I am continuing to discover what a healthy relationship is and try to create it. I have never had one modeled for me, so I am going off of textbooks, honestly. I have issues with attachment. I am severely overly attached. If he leaves, or is going to leave, I consistently find myself getting immediately distressed, depressed, riddled with anxiety and negative self talk, and wanting to start fights, guilt him, etc. in an effort to get him not to leave. I rarely act on it, as I'm able to generally recognize those emotions and stop myself from acting on them. He works very hard, and is often very tired. We sit and watch TV together or I sit with him while he plays video games, but it never feels like we are actually spending time together. If the full attention isn't on me, I don't feel like there is any attention on me. I am trying to fix this, but I don't know how. It's not fair to him. He feels like because we are physically spending time together, we are actually spending time together, but I don't feel that way. We could have spent the whole week together but if we didn't have time of talking without distractions, a night of long and attentive sex, I don't feel like we spent any time together. I know I am being demanding of him and his time. I try to meet him halfway, but I often fall short. I am constantly wanting from him and he is constantly unable to meet those wants. I don't know what to do, how to fix this, how to fix me.