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LelouchLamperouge · 03:49 AM

It has been a while since I've posted or even been on PC. I've been struggling these past two weeks. Here is a quick run through of the past year just to provide a update I guess, you don't have to read it since it's pretty long. I got a new therapist last year whom I have been seeing for about 10 months. I've become really comfortable and dependent on her. She's done a lot of things out of her way for me that you don't see other therapists do that has really built my trust with her. She often gives me extra time that may be needed at the end of sessions to make sure I am grounded when I leave, anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes. She's lenient with me with texting and even calls me to speak over the phone for a bit if she's concerned about me. I've been doing CBT, DBT, EMDR, mindfulness, etc work for the past year with her. She has gone on maternity leave 2 weeks ago for 6 months until October. My last few weeks with her was preparing me for her leave. I have a interim therapist right now but but I don't feel connected to her. I honestly probably would feel the same with anyone else too. I only want to see my therapist, not anyone else. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD. My pdoc also wants me to see a neurologist(neuropsychologist? i don't know). I haven't cut or "really" felt "suicidal intent" in a few months. Suicide idealization is a different story though and doesn't really ever go away. I've also returned to my university and taking classes since last fall.

So the past two weeks have been hard. I've had really hard time with sleeping too. A lot of nights I don't sleep until 5-7 am or don't sleep that night at all until I completely crash later in the day. I've been completely unable to motivate or bring myself to complete anything. I've had team assignment/project deadlines but haven't done the work at all and have been making excuses. Even after making the excuses and finding a way to be able to submit it later, I still didn't do it and I feel bad because my part is the final part that needs to be added for that group deadline. The rest of my work is beginning to pile up on top of each other now too. I have been just feeling worse and worse and worse. I've been trying to do the work today but I'm just hardly able to get anything done. It has been 3 hours and I hardly got anything done and I'm actually sitting here trying to do it. It probably takes someone like 20-30 minutes to do what I've done in 3 hours so far. Turning 27 years old this year and not working at all while still trying to get my first BA and struggling this much compared to 18-22 year olds. What a great place to be.

Possible trigger:

Past few days have been harder. I don't want to be here wasting my family's energy and resources on me. Hell, I don't want to be wasting it on myself. Just so much of a burden and disappointment. Like why did I have to be born? I'm so angry and resentful that I was. My family would have had so much of a better life if I had never been in the picture. Why the f did I have to be born? I didn't ask to be here. Why'd my life have to be wasted on me when I don't want it? Why couldn't it have been someone else who would have actually made use of it, taken more advantage of it, and even be grateful for it? What other people would give to be in my situation to have all their body parts and a roof over their head.

Now I've been just watching videos and reading things about suicide. I don't know. I think I'm just trying to see how I feel about it right now or rationalize it to myself. I think I was thinking that if I were to seriously contemplate it right now then I would wait til my parents are gone (pass away) because I wouldn't want to do that to my family and especially my mom. But honestly...I don't know now.

Possible trigger:

I want to cut, bang my head, punch my face, whatever. I haven't cut in a few months. I mean if it might help relieve me from maybe going further into "disappearing" then that should be a good thing right?