Yesterday, and today I woke up with some dis-ease. This isn't unusual. It seemed mild enough for doing my routine crossword puzzle, cup of coffee with cat morning routine. Then, I felt, soon enough, that I wanted 0.5mg of klonopin. I took 1mg.
Sitting back down, with a cat curled beside me, the sun streaming in, birds singing, sparring, visiting feeders and trees, the pond full of Mallard, all is calm.
Not me.
What is wrong? Something with sadness, something for tears.
Oh, yes, maybe, just maybe it is that my mother died in my arms, a couple of days ago in a long lost April, after being "pronounced" twice prematurely. I remember seeing the striking Sycamore on North State St., having some thought of her, the tree against the sky, then my mother as an elderly stillbirth.
And, again, I will feel a mild surprise when I wake up in May, on the day of
multiple losses-----I remember ahead of time...and forget as dates approach.
I remember that my mother, in her dementia, had dreams each May of grave
yards, tombstones, ....she could no longer remember these as triggered by the loss of her son...and, for me at least, her forgetfulness was a gift.
For two years, when I first cared for her, her mantra was "My son is dead, my
husband is dead"...not seeming to know these were also my brother, my father---I had already lost her. Years before she died. (there are no grave
stones, all cremated...into a garden...I make my own remembrances)
Just struck again by the things that sneak in wordless/faceless...and wonder what the things are I never can identify....
I did grow up with a dearth of rituals/traditions...realizing too late their use.