My therapist has never called me abusive, but when I look back on my younger self (around your age) and in therapy with my first therapist, I can see that I lashed out a lot, called her incompetent. She was, in fact, incompetent and/or inexperienced (I don't know which because she gave up her practice--so I think she sort of figured it out on her own). This was well before trauma was considered as a cause of symptoms, and that therapist was new and utterly lost. Regardless, I was a mess and she was not going to be the person to help me right my ship.

I share that because, from reading your account, your therapist doesn't sound able to help you. The problem is, she also seems to be as enmeshed as you are in the relationship.

Yes, a client should be able to be angry and go through a range of emotions and not have the therapist react or retaliate, but the reality is that not all of them are skilled enough to navigate a client through that without getting (as you say) caught up. So, there is the ideal (which some people are able to find--good for them), and there is the reality, which leaves clients with therapists who have a lot of limitations.

I'm really sorry for the pain you're in. Is there anyway you can get back to issues that took you to therapy? Things outside your relationship? Because if you're not able to leave (which would probably be the healthiest option), that's one way to untangle this.