Hi again, all. I hope it's okay that I keep posting. I don't mean to be a pain in the butt. I really appreciate all of your support.

I was just wondering if anyone could let me know if it sounds like I was abusive in these scenarios? These are the situations that led my T to threaten to end the relationship. Whatever you think, please feel free to be honest - I just ask that you please don't attack me. I'm really not sure; maybe I really was abusive to her. I don't think I was entirely innocent.

1. Background: I sent my T a rather angry email. I told her that I hated her and hated her daughter. I also expressed some very depressive thoughts - that my T already knew about, and she had been trying to convince me to see a psychiatrist, but I felt uncomfortable with the idea of being on meds. I was having this meltdown because, from my perspective, my T had invited me to depend on her...I saw her as a mother figure. (Loose boundaries for the first 8 months or so, we were in touch over email almost every day...and I think I just really needed to believe that I had a mom of sorts.) A couple of weeks prior, she told me that she wouldn't always be able to be there for me - that something could happen, and she could move, or get a different job...and, if that happened, we wouldn't keep in touch. I guess maybe I should have known that, should have kept my head on straight, but I didn't. It came as a huge shock, and I was distraught. That's the context in which I sent her that email.

We had a phone session after I sent the email, and she was angry with me. She raised her voice at me for failing to see a psychiatrist, and for lashing out at her. I was crying and begging her to stop, but she kept going. She said that she doesn't understand why I keep coming back because I hate her so much, and she expressed that "maybe we should just call it quits." That scared the **** out of me.

In the sessions that followed, I tried to explain how scary it was. I didn't feel like she got it, and I was getting increasingly upset. Then one week, she told me that I had "provoked" her; i.e., that it was my fault that she had yelled. To me, that raised a thousand alarm bells. I felt very angry and distrustful. So, the next session, I came in and told her exactly what I thought. I said something to the effect of, "I'm not okay with the way you treat me. It's your job to help me through my feelings, not to scold me for expressing them. Telling me that I provoked you into yelling is a move straight out of the Abusive Parenting Handbook - trying to make me feel that I 'made' you do it."

That was when she said, "I cannot work with you anymore. I'll give you referrals." I had a total meltdown, apologized up and down, told her that I loved her...I would have said anything to make her stay. And she did. She ended the session by looking at me kindly and saying, "I don't want to leave. Can you try to hold onto me this week, to carry me with you?"

2. Background: My T had been seeing me for a significantly reduced fee. In the beginning, she was seeing me in the mornings - but then I switched jobs and could only do evening appointments. One week, I expressed that I was struggling and asked for an extended session. That's something we used to do sometimes, meet for a full hour. It was never a big deal; if she could accommodate me, we just pro-rated the fee. But she didn't want to do it this time, and it didn't really seem to be about availability. She said, "Unless there's a reason to have an extended session, I think it's best to stick to 45 mins." I got upset - is "I'm struggling" not a good enough reason now, and I just didn't get the memo? That's when it all came spilling out - turns out, T was feeling pretty resentful about seeing me in the evenings at a reduced fee. She got angry...said that I expect too much of her, that she already gives a lot to me for very little in return, etc. I felt really hurt - like a nuisance, a burden, etc.

Next week, she said that she'd "felt badly" about the way she raised the issue of the fee - but that she really would like to talk about raising it. But it wouldn't be immediate, and we could talk about it, etc.

We didn't really talk about it. I didn't want to. The way she initially raised the issue had felt tremendously hurtful, but she had kind of apologized, and I didn't want to make her feel attacked. At the same time, I couldn't get over it. Her words replayed over and over in my head.

So, one week, I tried to talk about it. And she didn't even remember saying those things to me! She said, "I've been doing this for a long time, and that isn't how I would talk to a client about raising her fee. I'm not saying it's impossible that I said those things, but I'm saying it's unlikely." But she also couldn't tell me what she DID say; i.e., couldn't really remember the conversation at all. Which could be fine, if she weren't insisting that my memory is most likely faulty, when I DO have memories of what happened, and they've been haunting me for weeks. It devolved into a fight. Then she left on vacation. I decided to drop it.

Fast forward a couple of months. She tells me she wants to talk about raising the fee. I feel upset - because I'm reminded of a) the hurtful things she said, and b) how gaslit I felt by her subsequent claim that I was likely remembering it all wrong. I'd tried to just sweep it under the rug, but that became a lot harder once she'd raised the topic. I got upset with her. She told me that she thought we'd already discussed this and resolved it. I said that we had not at all resolved it. And then she laughed to herself, kind of bitterly, and said, "You know, I just don't think I can work with you anymore." I started sobbing and begging her not to do this. She said, "I keep trying and trying, and you just keep pushing me away. It makes me not want to show up anymore." (Her eyes even watered momentarily...she seemed genuinely upset.) I felt awful, so I apologized, told her I was an asshole, etc. She calmed down, and said that we need to find a new way to navigate these situations - that she doesn't want me to sweep things under the rug for fear of upsetting her; at the same time, when I'm always upset with her, she feels like a whipping post. I agreed to the raised fee, and that was that.