Hey BDDX! Welcome to Psych Central

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this and that you feel like there seems to be no hope for a better life

It's important right now to at least try and balance the chemicals in your body in order to bring the mood up and give you hope The way to do that should be natural without prescription drugs or any approach that is toxic, and that's why you need a p-doc for meds because because in order for them to be affective they must be prescribed in toxic doses which means they have terrible side-effects, and you need someone professional for that. A lot of depressed individuals lack the mineral lithium in their brains, a condition otherwise called lithium deficiency, and the best way to go about it is to take a supplement called Lithium Orotate, not lithium carbonate or any other unhealthy and toxic way to acquire the mineral. Taking it without having much carbohydrates or sugar during the day is pivotal, and taking omega-3 with it is also very helpful. Even though it's completely safe and you don't need a prescription doctor to give you all of that, it's important that you do a research of your own. Minerals are important, but for this case, lithium is the one to acquire first and foremost.
Exercising daily is important, and a good sleep each night is as well. By doing that each day, your body will get healthier and healthier, and things will hopefully start getting automatically positive
It's a threshold, the first step into having a successful life, but it's an important first step.

Thinking negatively each day makes us lose more brain cells, whenever we put ourselves down, until we find out as time goes by that our depression has gone much worse than it ever was and things suddenly become impossible to fix. The hippocampus starts shrinking, the memory starts getting worse, our cognitive ability weakens, and those effects will show and you will notice them, and then you'll take it as evidence of incompetence (False/unreal incompetence!), and things will only continue to go south, unless we stop right then and there.

That should be your main focus right now, and then comes the other stuff! In order to be better in life, the person should be feeling better and healthy first. Like in an airplane, they tell you to first fasten your seatbelt or help yourself first before you help others, because this way, one or two people will survive instead of none, because by making sure you're safe, you were able to help the ones next to you. By making sure of your well-being, you'll be able to be affective in the outside world

All the very best! And I hope you get the answers you deserve on this site and anywhere in life!