Not up for a long message today. I last slept for 4 hours on Friday.

I have a new pdoc but I don't see her until the end of April. Out of 20+ pdocs in my therapist's group, she was the only one who agreed to treat me for mental problems while allowing specialists to treat me for chronic physical problems. The only things that I know about her have come from my therapist and the group's website.

She is one of the more "experienced" doctors in the group; she's older and has been in practice longer than most. I think that might be helpful – she may recall the days when taking prescribed Xanax wasn't a criminal act. Her profile says nothing about CBT, a plus to me. I think that I'm looking forward to meeting her. I'm just confused (?) over the either/or decision that has to be made between being treated for physical or mental illness. I can't be the first person to face this. Some of the things that my therapist said to me, passed along from the Psychopharmacologist, were so bizarre as to be laughable.

Any "sudden respiratory failure" is more likely to be caused by the vast number and high dosage of hypertension medications but they "recognize the need" to continue those. And the chance that "opioids may be the cause of all of (my) your mental health issues" is so unlikely that it's a true knee-slapper.

So. Over two weeks away but I've made certain that my meds list and my diagnoses/procedures list is up to date and I'm working on a brief (10 pages or less) introduction to my nightmare. I'm very nervous when meeting a new therapist/pdoc. If they're experienced, of course, they'll have their own method of getting things started. That's the point where my anxiety kicks in – the point where you have to begin to relinquish control. I don't "trust." I don't know that I'll ever trust again.

I'll still be seeing my therapist twice monthly and, in the immediate future, the pdoc once monthly (for an entire 45 minutes). I want to be able to walk into her office and say "nothing happens for long, here's what's happening to me, so what's wrong with me?" and walk out with diagnoses and pills.

I'm having a difficult time with my introduction at the "here's what's happening to me" period. I'll have to read back over all that I've retained, even coming here to see what I've written, because everything changes so rapidly.

I don't recall feeling this way previously; that everything could shift or change within an hour. My therapist is on the mood stabilizer hunt now in response to to the same or similar descriptions. I don't think of "mood swings" as going from the depths of hell during one hour and with no more than a 5 minute segue going into full hypersexual overdrive and then sideways into a numb funk.

It seems so far away and I don't know what to expect. April 28th. I wonder if I can last until then? If she's kind and understanding then I can be the same. If not? I don't want to think of that.

I'll be back before I go... of course I will.