Thanks you guys.

It's been a long, tough road for me to finally say I'm human again, to say I understand what's in that link.

I wrote this post in case there's anyone like me, who, somehow, became dis-attached to something they used to feel attached to. I could remember a time when I hadn't felt so disconnected and it was that memory of better times that made what I was going through that much more painful. I knew there was something better, I just didn't know how to get back to it.

That's what started me on my spirit quest. Something inside myself had gone missing and I just didn't know what it was. I first began to notice it when each day it became harder to talk to the people around me. I felt myself slipping away. I began to feel threatened and frightened by people. I began to feel very incomplete and incapable of competing. I withdrew.

I wanted to reach out and connect, but I couldn't. People were moving all around me and I did my best to keep up but mostly I became angry with myself for not keeping up, and eventually, angry at them, for moving on past. I began to sympathize with the hurting ones, people I thought were like me, who’d been trampled on, cast aside.

I can't say everyone was cruel, there were many good people in my life and thier kindness kept me from drowning. I wanted to be like them, helpful, caring, and kind.

It wasn't at first that I began to look for spiritual help. I thought psychology could help me better understand what was happening in my brain. It did shed some insight. But, what I felt most of all was an emotional ache. Spirituality seemed the place to find the answers to the questions I had.

I wrote this post to be about finding your own personal power and for me, I found strength in my own form of spirituality. I tried the better known forms and I found parts that worked, but as a whole, I could always find in them, parts that didn't work. So I adapted and took from several to make a patchwork of beliefs that work for me.

I've been called the devil because I don't conform the strict of doctrines that religion prescribes. I don't feel like the devil though and being labelled that didn't encourage me much to follow that faith. And yeah, I am still kind of angry about it.