I hope that when you come to those places in your life that you will be able to tell yourself, "Not now." You can convince yourself that maybe in the future you would plan such acts etc (should those types of urges rise again) but then tell yourself again, "Not now." I hope by putting it off and giving yourself time to realize the gravity of such acts you will "come to your senses" like you just did. I'm sorry life is so tough for you. ((((Phil)))