I have an appointment in a few days and I have a rather large decision I need to make before then.

My pdoc suggested ECT since I have have been depressed nearly every day for a bit over 2 decades. He is also very uncertain about it. He thinks the chance of success is below 50% and is concerned that it could make my seizure disorder worse.

I don't have a serious seizure disorder, I haven't had a grand mal since 1995 but I do get things that no neurologist can say with certainty are seizures or just seizure auras. What these are is I go completely blind, get a feeling of extreme terror, and I get visions of things I have dreamed of. I don't think they last more than 30 seconds at most. I don't fall while I have them, but usually fall after it is over if I was standing or even sitting. They knock me out mentally for the rest of the day, at best. Once I get one, I take a benzo and it usually stops. If I don't, I will get another within 2-3 hours, and they keep coming in closer time intervals until they happen non-stop and then I get a grand mal.

Some neurologists called that an aura, other call it simple partial seizures. I don't know if it what it is really matters to my current problem. What matters to me is that I fear them far more than I fear a grand mal even though it causes heart rhythm issues for a few days that got me placed into an ICU.

Grand mals, major depression, psychosis, none of those compare to the auras or whatever they are.

Luckily, my pdoc always lets me research things first. I am also in the position of having to be careful about declining things, unless I can come up with a real medical reason why something is contraindicated when I decline I risk losing my veterans disability rating because they could say I am not trying to get better. It is even worse right now because I am under review for an increase. I have been kicking the ECT can down the road for a year now and I really need to make a decision this week. I am hoping his doubt makes the decision for me but I need to be ready to answer if he asks me to make the call.

There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of research that I could find that is definitive one way or another. But my pdoc is iffy on it and when I had my rating exam by a neuro-psychologist she told me that it could be risky and agreed that the chances of success are low. I would like to get better and am tempted to say yes but since they cause seizures, I am afraid I will have heart issues, or worse those auras will be triggered.

Are my fears about my seizure disorder getting worse misplaced? I know there are other side effects like memory loss but my MDD causes a lot of that already and seems like a minor issue when stacked up against my seizure disorder.