Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0
I mean I put myself before others always, unfortunately to my own detriment.
Sure we can argue that many people do this, and they do. But the reason I do it plays a huge role. I do it firstly because I feel like everyone matters more than me, and I do it in order to not disrupt my relationships, to prove I'm not worthless, a chronic fear of abandonment has me tirelessly proving I'm worth sticking around for.
And at this point it's bloody exhausting I tell u, especially since alot of people are unappreciative aholes (I'm working on cutting them out) and since some people leave anyway.
Besides being exhausting, this self-sacrifice BS has me very angry at myself more often than not, and I have an ugly temper.
Do I sound a bit peeved? I probably am, bf is going to work abroad in a few weeks. So my BPD is raging right now.
Hopefully round two of DBT and individual therapy helps me finally rectify this behaviour. My T was quite upset last week (for me) at the injustice and me not getting that I don't have to be this way, that I do deserve to have my needs met as well.
Blech, maybe one day I will believe him.
|
That's interesting: I had that.
After the depression that pretty much put a brake on my personality as it had developed so far (the one I get back when stable), I started expressing that personality (just everything psychodynamic and derived; everything non-natural) by maybe choosing the best possible way of self-sabotaging: self-sacrificing. At least it is less damaging to others and they may help you in turn, because you can't help yourself.
But in reality, you don't really help others (maybe somewhat, maybe you do them a disservice) and you damage yourself.
After I regained all self-confidence I lost during that first depression (it took years only to lift, many more to heal), I discovered that the actively sabotaging me is preferable. The less you help people, the more they gain. The more you hurt or deceive them, as long as they know it, the more they gain.
They feel better, not like they owe anyone, independent, and you feel better knowing why you feel guilty, but, paradoxically, you will or should feel less guilty.
I hope you will. I do. Of course I don't know if your situation is similar to mine, but it could be: I saw myself during those few years as some white knight, conscientious, always kind, everything I really wasn't, because I didn't help but took credit for things I shouldn't have taken credit for, so I felt guilty, while thinking I shouldn't feel any guilt, making the whole thing self-sustaining and escalating. Feeling of guilt is a deeper truth. It was, but I didn't understand it and thought I just didn't try hard enough, didn't do things good enough.
This vicious circle leads to worsening of symptoms, while your "actual", underlying, personality might actually lessen symptoms.
You could argue this is forcing OCPD onto BPD.
You may lessen your symptoms by not being overly kind and helpful, but giving expression to your need to make things more difficult for yourself by being honest to others without regard for kindness. If you hurt anyone, they will (eventually) feel better, so you help them, and you worse, but at least you know why you should feel worse, feel guilty. And that makes all the difference. Just be yourself, with the personality you originally developed. Purify it. Embrace it. Only then may you change it.
Don't deceive others by being kind only to feel less guilty. You will never feel less guilty by helping them more, deceiving them more. You hurt people: make them feel like they owe you while you tried to use them.
Does that make any sense?
If it does, that wouldn't mean you are really nearer a true solution of the problem of self-sabotage, probably. I haven't figured that one out yet. But anything that might help me, do share, please.
