I also need to add that I'd wish to see myself in a good light. But I've been actually feeling very pathetic. I know that what those people did was not right, the quarrel first started when those two friends of mine came to the party later and I was so happy because the one who got beaten, well, we are really old friends, and we haven't seen each other for almost a year! so we closed ourselves in one of the rooms and talked and talked for like two hours and those other people thought it's very rude of us and finally they kicked us out of the house (i dunno, they probably thought we're about to have sex or sth, but we didn't, cause we're more like a brother and sister, though i was sitting on the floor then and could look a bit slutty cause of the dress, actually i always look a bit slutty when I drink, that's why I don't usually party with some people i don't know), so i took him and we left, we were already outside. It was like "ok, no problem, bye". But the other stupid friend of ours, that Jane's ex, he was also about to leave, yet he started some fight over a bottle of vodka - as i acknowledged later on - and he moved with those guys outside and that's when it reached us cause we were already out of the house (it was in a valley) and that was actually the reason we were injured, otherwise we two would just leave quietly and the party would go on. I felt really sorry for my friend, cause he had to make it to the 2nd of January with his broken hand, because the ambulances on NYE and the 1st were available only for some severe cases.
The police that escorted us also couldn't do much, I called for them after we went away and drove a bit on the bus, we didn't even know the address of that house. They just told us that there are some weird people living in this town.

What is making me angry about that situation is that no one apologized or suffered the consequences. We would sue those people, but there were no other people on our side, who could testify positively. Jane would blame alcohol and stand on her bff's side, Frank said it wasn't nice of those people to attack everyone, but he thinks that it's our fault it all started because we didn't join everyone (and he would never stand against someone who pays his bills and lets him live for free, cause Jane does that, he spends everything on alcohol) and Jane's ex, well, he didn't care much, he forgot about this situation the day after. He played a big part in my conflict with Jane, because I was his friend once (which I regret due to some circumstances, he's the kind of person who can betray everyone and manipulates them easily, yet I understand why, cause I know his father and the whole city knows him and this guy is just...purely malevolent? Yes, that's a good word.) and as his friend I really tried to convince him that Jane is not a good part. What happened was that in almost each of their conflicts, as I suppose, he would quote the things I said to him about her, always letting her know these are my words, so he could kinda...offend her, but by blaming someone else, it that makes sense.

So I kinda have this anger inside me, lots of anger, yet I also do kinda blame myself for such things to happen for several reasons. I feel sad that people see me as a big-headed, fake person who's not worthy of trust, I acknowledge many of my faults. On the other hand, I feel sad, because I don't feel respected and I cannot make people respect my boundaries, which I'm planning to change as soon as I go back to the society. If I will. But people don't understand that what they think about me is arrogance or pride or being fake or whatever is really me feeling extremely uneasy around them. Though I can be harsh and unpleasant, too. Yet mostly, I'm just sh.it scared.

When I came home after this unfortunate trip there were another surprises.

I came to my house, terribly stressed and hangovered and there was my mother, looking at me with pure hatred. As I happened to acknowledge later, she was writing desperate and hateful messages to my father about how bad I am not to call her on New Year's Eve with wishes. She was mad I left her in the first place, because my dad is also away and she was alone at the house. She did just everything to make me feel awful, like I already haven't. I did not tell her what happened, because she would probably explode, but I told my father (he's a bodyguard). He was mad, yet he was like "Told ya to stay home, you didn't have to wander somewhere among strange people" and that was it.
A few weeks ago they started to express how disappointed of me they are because I can't find another job and because of my current lifestyle and it was done in a rather offensive manner.

It's not easy at this house, because for my parents I'm only good when I stay quiet and do what's right in their opinion. They're both extremely narcissistic. It's sad to admit but they could never help me with my problems (my problems were just me causing them pain) and now that I am alone with my mother it gets me really upsetting because I feel I'm just a living part of the furniture, designed to listen to her and amuse her because she is lonely. I know she loves me and I do too, but I'm not wrong when I say those things. She's intrusive, and I feel this need to walk on eggshells and keep her in a good mood. It's scary. She always made me feel bad about others and about leaving the house, going on trips etc.

I'm co dependent and it's not helpful.

Today I felt really terrible. I had this exploding panic attack, lots of "propsychotic" intrusive thoughts. And I know that being paranoid is not only a state of mood that ocurrs sometimes, but a big part of my personality. I am really afraid of getting totally lost in all of this. At this point I'm so scared that I feel that I'm only waiting for snapping out of reality or starting to develop some extreme ideas or hear voices. From someone else's view, I could already look psychotic.

I do not feel that bad only when I'm writing.