It sounds like right now you are blaming yourself. You've tried and tried and yet it seems like nothing that you try ever works, not even trying to open up a bit to T. And so you feel hopeless and alone. It is sort of like you are crying out "What do I need to do, how much more do I have to take?" It sounds like you are being tempted to give up, to stop sinking time and money into trying to get better.