I wish you much strength with this struggle.
I stopped drinking almost 9 months ago and presently have no craving or desire to drink at all. Ever again. My husband thought I might buckle when Amy died but I just showed him the tattoo I got to celebrate my sobriety, and told him that was my promise to him. And to me.
I have never told anyone (except my husband and mother) that I am an alcoholic. So when people ask why I'm not drinking, I just say I don't feel like it. But I do sometimes wonder if I can say "I was an alcoholic" and not I am an alcoholic".
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Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long.
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