Warning: long paragraphs
"I have always had difficulty expressing myself, especially when I am upset. Words can't adequately describe my inner states. I have to have a template to rely on, that's why I read a lot and google a lot. I put in the search engine the words I use to describe my feeling, and I go through the search results. Often there are people who have experienced something similar and are able to more eloquently describe what I am going through.
I once got to the term 'alexithymia'. I think it describes some of my difficulties. I don't have words for how I am feeling inside. I can tell you that I am angry or upset or depressed. But beyond that I can't say much more. I don't know how I am feeling most of the time. I sometimes feel tension in my body and I think it is caused by anxiety. But I am not good at relieving the anxiety because I don't know the source. So I run away from my feelings. Distraction works well when I don't have to be alone with myself. But eventually distraction fails because the moment I stop distracting myself, all the feelings and emotions come back at full force. And I am therefore often left confused. I don't know how to deal with all these emotions.
I find it difficult to explain things. I find it difficult to share with others what I cannot explain. Imagine the frustration if you have to ask for a banana but you can't say the word banana. You have to go and mention all the characteristics of a banana, hoping the audience correctly guess it. You would say things like ' it is a topical fruit that is yellow in colour, it has skin that can be peeled off to reveal the meat inside. It has a soft starchy texture and it is rich in potassium'. One downside to this method is, sometimes people get annoyed with how vague you are. And they would think that you are playing games with them. And it is incredibly inefficient. Who uses twenty words to describe a fruit?
So when you ask me, what is the cause of my depression, it is a very difficult question for me to answer. I don't know my emotions that well, and I don't excel at describing them. And perhaps that is what causes my depression, I mismanage my emotions. I don't spontaneously share my feelings, because it is very hard work getting words out. Try to explain to a colourblind person what the colour red is. You can't. That's how difficult I find describing my inner states.
When I was a child I had a lot of difficulty sitting down and doing my homework. I remember the world as chaotic. The fluorescent lights bothered me. The world was way too noisy. If the room I was in was big enough, I could hear echo of people's noises. I was afraid a lot. My eyes and ears couldn't bear the world I was living in. But I could not communicate all that. So I was thought of as being intentionally difficult. Growing up I learned to ignore my senses. Because that was the only way to survive. And I feel like I am not living truly because of it. It hurts to truly engage with the world. So i withdraw. I am back into a corner where nothing could hurt me.
Why am I depressed? Because I am too different from other people and I cannot reconcile that difference. I suffer from an inability to connect with others, both using words and emotions. My perception of the world is much too skewed. I don't share how most people see the world. Socializing leaves me utterly exhausted. It is very tiring to be in a noisy environment trying to make connections where every fibre of me just wants some quiet.
I could not bond with my parents for some reason. I don't think blaming it on my upbringing helps. My siblings were able to do it but I couldn't. I did not spontaneously seek my parents' attention when something bothers me. I couldn't understand why my siblings asked for my parents' help when they ran into troubles even though they knew they would get a scolding. So I would often try to solve my problems on my own. I played alone and I read alone. It didn't bother me that much. The pain came when I finally realized how much other people bonded with each other and I couldn't do the same. I experienced soul crushing loneliness. That no one would be able to know how I felt inside and how isolated I was from the rest of the world. Even my own parents couldn't reach me."